the thought of you being with somebody else
makes me physically ill, each time it passes my mind even for a fraction of a second
makes me physically ill, each time it passes my mind even for a fraction of a second
I thought I knew all sorts of feelings before
but I didn't know that one
is like I would collect all world pain in that millisecond inside myself, and it would make me throw up just trying to bear it
like my body rejects its heaviness and wanna get it out
but it won't leave
No matter how hard I try it won't leave me
that helplessness that is 10000% out of my control, and I can only let it be and observe
That's the worst feeling I have ever experienced
I don't think I felt that way even when my grandma died and it was SAD
it's so much beyond that
and even it comes for that second when I just let my mind free and stop trying to control every thought I have - It devastates me to the ground
its like everything I was doing before for ages to feel that 5% better, was like a drop in a huge fire and it was swept away or evaporated in a sec
each time I get up, I say to myself, I'm gonna build it up again, I'm strong, but does it make sense?
I'm questioning myself
Why would I do it?
Isn't it easier to give up sometimes