somebody else

the thought of you being with somebody else 
makes me physically ill, each time it passes my mind even for a fraction of a second

I thought I knew all sorts of feelings before 

but I didn't know that one

is like I would collect all world pain in that millisecond inside myself, and it would make me throw up just trying to bear it 

like my body rejects its heaviness and wanna get it out

but it won't leave

No matter how hard I try it won't leave me 

that helplessness that is 10000% out of my control, and I can only let it be and observe

That's the worst feeling I have ever experienced 

I don't think I felt that way even when my grandma died and it was SAD

it's so much beyond that 

and even it comes for that second when I just let my mind free and stop trying to control every thought I have - It devastates me to the ground

its like everything I was doing before for ages to feel that 5% better, was like a drop in a huge fire and it was swept away or evaporated in a sec 

each time I get up, I say to myself, I'm gonna build it up again, I'm strong, but does it make sense?

I'm questioning myself

Why would I do it?

Isn't it easier to give up sometimes

sates

I've been thinking a lot recently (not that is something new to me)
I do sometimes other stuff like playing the guitar and desperately trying to be good at it, to the point that metronome became my best friend...

Anyway I was thinking about change

change is so hard to do, I like to debate what would I do if, and how would I feel if, but then I do nothing to be or feel that way now. I always rely on outside circumstances 

it's so much easier to watch YT video and think you DID something to change

while you just distracted yourself from DOING

when you listen to 100s of people saying yes of course you can do it, but all you do is watch

when all that knowledge would help

I was always a little of an idealist, I liked talking for hours about all the possibilities

while there are people who hear something once and just try it

100 times until they succeed

I GENUINELY want to be that person who, instead of thinking, is doing 

and endlessly trying till success

I have so much more to share, but maybe later on, I will do