sometimes best way to win is to lose

I had a realisation that sometimes you need to lose in order to win. 
That giving up can be the best thing you can do at times. 

Sometimes the world is trying to show you to change your path, and you are opposing it so much that it has to use the strongest and hardest way  to show you - that the road that you should take should be the opposite of what you are doing.

Then you stop and you reflect and you have the aha moment and you say to yourself:
How didn't I see it before?
Always when something I do not want happens, at the end it works somehow best for me, so I just step back now and wait for what is to come — but it has to be great.

On the other note:

    Almost no one believes in me and my abilities lol, but that's fine - I believe in me and I am my biggest cheerleader. The thing I never missed was motivation and I am so highly self motivated that I always achieved what I wanted somehow. Sometimes it took longer than expected, but I always was able to do it at the end.

    Teachers in my high school took me as stupid because I hated that fucking institution - after year one or two I just decided I'm not gonna go there. I was going to a bookstore  instead and reading books whenever I didn't feel like going to school. 

Anyways, even that I passed well physics exams, the teacher said he cannot give me a good mark just because he didn't believe I could do it without attending lessons lol so he lowered my end marks (sic!)

 Then they made me take a German exam (and I did hate languages so much, including Polish) I just hated the topic as I had no interest in it at all. So they did a summer extra exam for me just to not allow me to finish high school, and I failed. I didn't even bother to learn as I didn't want to learn German. (I finished HS anyways afterwards) At that point everyone thought I am just dumb and I would never learn a different language, and here I am speaking several. I just got an interest in Spanish and I decided to move to Spain where I just picked it up naturally - no lessons needed. Then I can speak Russian to some degree, and Romanian, and fairly good English. No school, no classes, no grammar - just me and my will to learn and talk to people.
    So coming back to the topic - I wanna apply for music uni here. I did not have previous education in music, so everyone assumes I won't learn or I am not good enough or whatever, but I know inside myself that my motivation is enough and will be. You can think I am crazy and judge me like the German teacher - "just a weird silly girl" - and I couldn't care less, because if I want something I'm gonna do it regardless of whether you believe in me or not :)
I just needed to vent on the topic as almost everyone says I cannot do it, but there is one person that believes in me or just won't tell me they don't, and thank you for that, as for most of my life it was just me believing in myself.

I was the first in my family to have a degree (and the only one), first to move abroad, first to speak a different language, first to do sport regularly (although my brother has some intrest in in on and off), first to be vegetarian, first to play an instrument and be into music. No one ever believed I can do any of those things and every single person I knew was discouraging me from even trying to pursue those things.
Luckily I never relied on anyone's approval.

I know myself, my value, and have exactly zero interest in proving anything to anyone different the myself :))

I always encourage everyone to purse their dreams, can that do any harm? Is there anything bad in having a dream and believing in it? Why do I have to be so realistic? What if the bigger you dream the chance to achieving it increase? Does not everything start from a thought and desire followed then by consistency to accomplish?

Maybe I was just born on a different planet haha but one thing you not gonna take from that blind trust in great future :D

znowu w zyciu mi nie wyszlo :D

 I'm free and it feels great!

I am feeling that the best part of my life is starting now so 🤞

I am going to have a remote job and travel🙏

Not sure what could make me happier, maybe a cat only? (Or very very good music)

food

 I do not feel hungry

AT ALL

I had periods in life like that 

but I just don't want to constantly go up and down with weight, and I am on the line of being too skinny 

I just cannot force food when I am not hungry

I try to drink as much food as I can but it's a torture 

😅

book

 I'm reading 

I always read in chunks, either i did load or nothing 

now is time i just READ hahah

now I cam across book addressing subconscious beliefs 

but from POV not digging in the past but actually how to approach them to change them

what is great bc I am against forever digging in the past as most psychologists suggest 

I am all about changing and learning in a way to improve and move forward and nor repeating same mistakes 

and I just discovered that what seems to always hunt me its actually my own fault hahaha

surprise surprise 

maybe its just time to own it 😂

thing we always tend to avoid 

but the author says even 3% fault is yours why not to adresss the 3% insted of  concentrating on 97% what it's not yours 

makes sense isn't it

but is so much easier to blame others life or stories 

january

 probably the month when I always post the most LOL

my anxiety is over the roof but somehow I managed to don't be bothered 😂😂 I just said to it "I know you are there 24/7 but what if I don't give a F"

its should settle soon as the problem was getting off my previous meds, so glad I did it as it was making my brain fog, and I was constantly hungry

finally feeling back myself but the anxiety 😂

but maybe two weeks more and it will sattle down

I'm listening recently to such life changing podcasts 

I also ordered a book so excited for it to come 💃🥳 soon

I wanna dedicate this year to self love and treat myself with all that I didn't recently 

I'm gonna be my own cheerleader! and I mean it, who gonna root for you if not yourself 

I also wanna dye my hair green and pink again I feel like is about to time to get some colour in life until the spring comes and brings it

I'm feeling somehow good even so anxious and I'm so happy about that, maybe I finally getting it more under control, last year I didn't have one panic attack attack even and I thought I made it while the start of the year was rough, but then I feel like had it reasons so I am excused, but the rest of that year is gonna be good I can feel it, maybe sometimes you need to take step backwards to ba able to take 3 forwards 🤞🏻

Back in the realm of living

After a never-ending flu, which I genuinely believed was going to kill me (I’ve never been this sick as an adult), I’m back in the realm of the living. I still have a bit of a cough, but wow — that was exhausting.

Physically and mentally draining. Not a good start to the year at all, but it’s over. I’m definitely feeling better today, and my mental capacity is almost back.

It feels so good not to feel unwell. I’m honestly just grateful that I can breathe normally again.

So far, nothing this year has gone according to plan or expectations. But now that I’m feeling better, I’m full of hope that the worst is behind me. It can be a great year — so keep your fingers crossed for me, because I can’t wait for spring and what it brings 🌱

and I'm glad you're back, it's a little highlight! 

I started reading a book which took over, even though it’s the weirdest thing I’ve read. It starts as a school adventure for about 100 chapters, but then suddenly turns into a sort of p-0-rn story with a big O, lol. I mean, the storyline is great, but that was so unexpected. It's about polygamous relationships of teenagers in a fantasy world, all is well justified, but still the fact that you just start liking the characters and then stop judging at all..  scares how much you can end up justifying hahah

but on the side note, I like fantasy stories in different worlds, it's a nice escape

https://novelbin.com/b/defy-the-alphas/chapter-1-special-skills

I am open to all good things arriving that year!

I had a lot of time to think recently, and as an overthinker, it's not a great place to be. I would rather be busy. thoughts:

- Life is unpredictable

- people are unpredictable

- I'm so predictable lol 

- things I'm running from are the ones that haunt me 

- things that I chase are those I never truly get

Should I change my approach and just start doing everything I can to NOT get what I want, then it will come as a golden rainfall? hahahah maybe that's the clue 

This year I wanna focus only focus on

GYM and GUITAR, 

and maybe being clever with savings, and having loads of fun, joy and sun 

also having loads of good human interactions, the quality once 

AND BTW I realised I crave DEEPNESS
nothing shallow is fulfilling me 

Deep conversations

Deep connections

Deep soul dive whatever it means :D

 

It shouldn't matter - mayer

Shouldn't matter, but it does

Shoulda been open

Shoulda done more

Shoulda learned a lesson from the year before

Shoulda been honest

Shoulda just cried

Shoulda told me there was nothing left inside

I'm being too open

 I'm being to open and positive and it's not working in my own good sometimes 

Can I change?

Should I change?

I need to be able to breathe

My head's under water

But I'm not breathing fine

I just need a moment of peace a movement where I can breathe 

I'm not asking for much, but I'm not getting it from quite some time

I'm so tired of constantly being my own hero, I wouldn't mind some sort of help from time to time

Please 2026 treat me better, as I am exausted!

😂😂😅

woho we've made it

I made it to the end of another year. it was supposed to be one, and it turned out to be another

I guess it’s good that I trusted the process and gave it a chance

it was supposed to be a year of relief — it wasn’t. on top of the past three years of bad passa, new things were added

I wish it had ended there

but a few great things happened this year

I finally bought a flat, and guitar🍷
and I managed to make it liveable

I met you, D. it was such pure fun and joy. the late conversations about life and your endless happiness gave me a new desire to live. it’s hard to process that you blocked me on every possible platform 😅 😹 but I guess that was the agreement, wasn’t it?  so I get it no offence at all :) still, I am so grateful for all the selflessness, extreme kindness, and help overall. No one in ages has been so kind to me. who knows, maybe somehow our paths will cross again — I would like to thank you in person. I hope you are happy and doing great; in the end, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?

edit: so glad you texted me, so unexpected - glad to hear you're doing well!!  it's all I wanted to know Did I call that happening it by typing it LOL

I went to Cuba, which was the best holiday of my life. I thought traveling on my own would be boring, but I made so many friends — and at least one, maybe two, lifelong friends. I am so grateful again for meeting you, J.! having a friend somewhere out there who I can call at any time of day or night, who has my back and isn’t bothered a bit when I’m crying, and who will talk me out of it for an hour straight at 3 a.m., is a gift. I am just so grateful that I always meet so many amazing people. Thank you!!! universe, or God, or whatever is out there!

and thank you, [I don’t want to mention you because I’m afraid to jinx it]. you are such a sweetheart. what attracts me most in people is kindness, empathy, and sensitivity. I like depth — nice to meet you, human✋. 

So I guess the highlight of this year was people!

Thank you to everyone who's been around and helped me walk through this year!

and I still hate you all that none of you went for any of the concerts with me😅

somebody esle

🤮

I just had a mental fight, the part of the post that's below the line

but i decided now I'm not giving up to it

, maybe I just need more sleep and self-care and my happy part will take over, I was always happy, wasn't I?

one day is not a reason to judge the whole world for all times isn't it?

I so easy to fall into victim mode when things go a bit off

but maybe sometimes it's just time to step back 

--------------------------------

when the walking for hours is the only solution to calm you down

when the empty city night roads are your best company

the thinking that never stops

there is no way to live that way

exhausted by my own head

I just desperately wanna get out

it was okay for some time, a long time, I was doing so well

I thought that I managed it

so i had that idea, I can start living normally again

for some reason, human interactions makes it so much worse

and it's a thing I want the most

then it's just so overwhelming 

the thought of being invested and then it not being returned is the scariest thing ever for some reason 

but i cannot avoid living 

the thought of making wrong decisions 

the thought of being a burden 

that overthinking, but trying to behave normally bc then everyone would just avoid you. everyone needs a lift up, not a pull down

the thought of being the one who drags down

the thought of being that person who just complains 

how do I get out

lift me up

hold me down 

keep me close

safe and sound

why the end of the year is always the worst part ever

I did it, and I feel emptier then ever before

 

100 conversations were the goal

nothing else

just proper trail

fair, so I had to actually respond

as expected out of 100

with 4, It actually was worth  talking

but at the same time, it left me so F drained 

like I don't want to talk to anyone in 100 years after all

but done - forgotten

I learnt too that doesn't matter how hard I try - I'm never gonna be a different person 

I always try too fucking hard 

and I always have to invest too much either time or energy 

and I want the feeling that I am important 

but once I get it, I feel like it's too much, so I would rather walk away

so fucking pathetic.

like i actually asking myself: girl what do you want 

-------------------

also so many random outputs of events

I genuinely dn why my life it's being so chaotic

no plan, just following the wave 

to people who add to my peace, thank you for your tiny bits, as I feel like I lost control of what I am doing 

and maybe a sense of who I am 

And thanks for that late-night, six-hour-long LOL religion discussion, G!

I didn't think I needed it at all, but then I realised it was exactly what I needed

so unexpected 

it was so refreshing to see a completely different POV

and actually talk to someone whose nature is spiritual, just because

seems like we are friends now?

Thank you, A, for the sense of humour; it's so uplifting. I just needed it now 

And thanks, C, for the inspiration.. In the end, music is everything — isn’t it?

I am at the dead end in a few aspects of life rn, and I have no clue how it will go, but I trust that I'm always lucky, so I just life to work out its ways

and you, little human, never imagined that you could be that I.C.

feels almost like Winterfell, after the winter came

what does it suppose to teach me

wines with O always go so quickly

and to Sasha - you are such a highlight to that boring world, just with those always positive stories I can see on Instagram, I always think "maybe I actually could do something too"

 

Flor Palida

from myself to myself

 

just for fun

hey you! know I'm talking to you - you are fine, don't worry. I like to mind just my own business

and I know you can manage yours ;) 🍷 cheers

ps. I can read minds, but I keep it to myself, so nothing has to be said aloud, but I KNOW. 

I make decisions having all facts in mind first, I don't need to brag around about what I've come to know

I know I might appear not as bright at times, but maybe it's just a mask?

----------------------------------------------

ouch.

on other note

it unexpectedly or very expectedly hurt 

there is never a because 

there are always lots of whys

why avoiding pain is actually something that can be cause it  itself 

I wanna be again as naive, open clueless, and hopeful as when I was 20

I never got why people can become so bitter then

now, step after step I get it all

I thought nothing would ever break my spirit 

but now, I know why it can be chipped 

its like a mirror that you so precisely stuck back together, but no matter how good you become at sticking it back, the cracks will always be seen

there will never be spotless surfaces again

a tiny fracture, still a mirror, but it will always reflect things in the tiny bits only

The more you live, the more cracks you get, the only way to stop it will be to stop living, but we instead keep trying more and more 

🍷

oh boy!

I’m not sure how I let you get under my skin

I’ve been so careful watching every step, so precisely

Sometimes, overwriting feels like the only way to erase

If I overwrite, and then I need to overwrite the overwritten, when does it ever stop?

how to overwrite in a way that nothing come to the surface anymore 

oh,

fairly clever, fairly witty, fairly happy, fairly careless, fairly homely, fairly nothing-that-I-want-to-struggle-with or fairly something-I-not-should-be-doing but at the same time fairly satisfying, fairly unattainable what triggers fairly  desirable

have you ever been there?

 if yes, we would get along as its seems to be my favourite place to be. 

place when you want something because you can't get it, so you want it probably mostly because of that fact. not a fun place to be, seems like never never-ending chase you volunteered to take part in, and you can't even remember why, but you keep running 

Is my life like a trial? Am I constantly being checked on how much I can take? Is it like an obstacle race, wanting me so badly to fail,  checking how long until I give up?

When all is said and done

Could you really love anybody else?

Do you think about me when you're by yourself?

If this was really what you want

Why you're sitting staring at the floor?

Won't you break the silence now, what you're waiting for?

If you don't know by now

How much you love me

As deep as the ocean or as shallow as the tide

If you don't know by now

How much you want me

As constant as the heavens or as fleeting as the night

If you don't hear a sound when my heart's crying out

If you don't know by now I guess you'll never know

How long have I denied

Calling every worry about to fly

Maybe it was easier to close my eyes

Or maybe I'm a fool

For putting all my faith in you

'Cause somewhere in the darkest night there's a hidden truth

no sigue modas

 Enfadada con todo en la vida

No valora que el tiempo decida

Si la miran, se mira y pierde

El sentido, la salida

Exhausta de evasivas

Cansada de mentiras

No quiere bailar más

Princesa de mis sueños se ve tan mona

Dime quien te hizo daño pá verte tan sola

Quien te hizo utilizar y robarte toda

Corazón inocente, retoma la hora

emotions dump

I know now that my assumptions create the world around me, but somehow things still haven’t gotten much better. I expected that once I understood this, it would be easy from then on, but struggles still come. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to fully purify my mind yet.

So much has been going on recently that I don’t have the energy to write about it. Living alone can be lonely at times. I’ve been giving all my energy to music—it helps when it’s directed into something.

It would also be nice to have a home. I hope it’s closer than I think, and that I can finally take a deep breath, once and for all.

The daily struggle is what drains me. By the end of the day, I’m usually so tired that all I want is to sleep—and sleep is the best relief.

Where is life going to take me from here? What will I be writing here in a few years?

ps. Thank you for still being in my life.

If only there was somone I could talk to now

 I would tell them how I feel, and it would feel good, knowing that there is someone who likes to listen to me.

but there is only myself, and I'm tired of me

Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Burning in a hopeless dream
Hold me when you go to sleep
Keep me in the warmth of your love
When you depart, keep me safe
Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Drowning in an endless sea
Take some time and stay with me
Keep me in the strength of your arms
Keep me safe
Safe and sound

somebody else

the thought of you being with somebody else 
makes me physically ill, each time it passes my mind even for a fraction of a second

I thought I knew all sorts of feelings before 

but I didn't know that one

is like I would collect all world pain in that millisecond inside myself, and it would make me throw up just trying to bear it 

like my body rejects its heaviness and wanna get it out

but it won't leave

No matter how hard I try it won't leave me 

that helplessness that is 10000% out of my control, and I can only let it be and observe

That's the worst feeling I have ever experienced 

I don't think I felt that way even when my grandma died and it was SAD

it's so much beyond that 

and even it comes for that second, when I just let my mind free and stop trying to control every thought I have - It devastates me to the ground

its like everything I was doing before for ages to feel that 5% better, was like a drop in a huge fire and it was swept away or evaporated in a sec 

each time I get up, I say to myself, I'm gonna build it up again, I'm strong, but does it make sense?

I'm questioning myself

Why would I do it?

Isn't it easier to give up sometimes

sates

I've been thinking a lot recently (not that is something new to me)
I do sometimes other stuff like playing the guitar and desperately trying to be good at it, to the point that metronome became my best friend...

Anyway I was thinking about change

change is so hard to do, I like to debate what would I do if, and how would I feel if, but then I do nothing to be or feel that way now. I always rely on outside circumstances 

it's so much easier to watch YT video and think you DID something to change

while you just distracted yourself from DOING

when you listen to 100s of people saying yes of course you can do it, but all you do is watch

when all that knowledge would help

I was always a little of an idealist, I liked talking for hours about all the possibilities

while there are people who hear something once and just try it

100 times until they succeed

I GENUINELY want to be that person who, instead of thinking, is doing 

and endlessly trying till success

I have so much more to share, but maybe later on, I will do 

Money to burn

 If I had a penny every time you let me down,

I'd be rich as a King in a crown,

I'd be rolling around in diamonds and pearls, I know

If I had a penny every time you cared,

I'd be poor as a poet in a broken bed,

Cause I've waited too long on your promises, I know,

Ooh I know,

Oh my love,

How long have you banked on me,

You say you're lost,

Story's getting old,

If your lies were money,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I believe,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

If I could cash all the hurt,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I won't leave,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

If I had a penny every time I caught you out,

I'd be drinking 'til the sun and the stars came down,

Bet you thought,

I didn't know about her,

Ooh, I know

Oh my love,

How long have you banked on me,

You say you're lost,

Story's getting old,

If your lies were money,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I believe,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

If I could cash all the hurt,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I won't leave,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

life 

treat me 

kindly

is 

all I 

ask 

now

Could it be I missed the question

I didn't hear you say a word

Or could it be I'm not the answer

Or your girl

I've been running round

Looking for reasons

It's funny, it still don't make sense

What is it that keeps you from thinking,

We're just friends?

I don't think we'd last forever

I'd always be waiting for more

And maybe if I weren't in love

It'd be easier

To play along

You say have I ever been

Have I ever been

Have I ever been someone to you

Mirror on the wall, here we are again Through my rise and fall

Mirror on the wall, here we are again
Through my rise and fall
You've been my only friend 
You told me that they can understand the man I am
So why are we here talkin' to each other again?

Funny enough life like to challenge

But here I am ready

It only shows who are the people who will stand by you no matter what

and it only shows the beauty of life

I should give here a few big shout outs to you 4 who just was as amazing as you possibly could to me. I always had fucking luck to meeting right people in the right moments. It never let me down. Thank you for being so blessed! 

Like sometimes taking unexpected turns

What what it teaches you that no matter what it can be turned in the best possible outcome

I'm not saying without struggle

But with the head rised up you can go forward

Maybe the good things are just around the corner?

All what has happened in life to me at the ends it always worked in my favours, even I could not see it at the start, but If you zoom out the time I could clearly see it

The life I picture myself is exciting, beautiful and full of love

as it's been for most, sometimes I'm getting lost but then I remember who I truly am.   

love

I wanna be surrounded by endless love.

I challenge myself to not stay in any version of that reality that does not fulfil that condition.

I choose love.

So love can choose me.

It might sound like I'm turning mad, but I'm not.

I stayed surrounded and caught up in so much bullshit that I am done with it.

One thing everyone is gifted with (most of us) is freedom of choice and I challenge myself to chose love.

first of all kinds of love goes love to yourself, once you posses it/become it then you are the part of the endless love network of our creation, and you can give it and receive it freely.

The scariest thing to do i distance yourself from things that blocking it, even it seems counterproductive.

on the other side is peace.

endless peace of mind, which can wipe out any worry 

and make you wanna live

today is the first day of my life when I can truly feel it and I hope it lasts.

I feel so calm I don't want it ever to end

and I love you