intro vert

I just realised, trying to do my half-year resume reel, that I barely left home this half-year,

and if I am being honest, I haven't been calmer and happier in a while

I've been working from home and think that it has benefited me
I never spent so much time on my own at home, and it gave me so much peace of mind

even though I was changing jobs a bit or staying a while with no job, it just gave me a new perspective on life, or rather, it reminded me how I used to see life

that happiness, openness and excitement for what it's gonna bring came back to me
I finally feel like good things are to come, and I feel like I don't ever want a corporate job

(might change mind later but for now...)
It was nice for a while, I loved my company, but that kind of job is so limiting, so inflexible, jarring and imprisoning, killing your brain and creativity

You become just a cog in the machine, and you are surrounded by other frustrated people whose whole life is pretty much work

I met different kinds of approaches recently, and I wanna stay in that domain

I don't wanna stress about Netflix deliveries to the level that I cannot sleep, even though sometimes it doesn't even depend on me

I wanna get up from the bed excited, hugged by life and happy to see what the day will bring 

I wanna do creative stuff, travel, have time and energy for friends

I wanna be planning my next trip and writing my next song 

and when finishing my job tasks, the moment I finish, not for a minute thinking about it, instead living the moment without overthinking 

The luxury of not using public transport, instead going for a daily walk to the park, naturally getting up at 6 or 5:30 AM as I allow my body to decide when I wanna wake up, and for some reason it selects the sunrise time

Taking a nap when I want and cooking my own food while WFH

Then, a few days, the days I select working with people for the joy of companionship, doing creative things and meeting people who live their lives instead of surviving, who are excited to achieve more, happy, funny and kind, not selectively kind, just kind by nature without fake smiles to climb the ladder of a large company

Somehow, if there is no ladder, or the only ladder you climb is your own horizon, you tend to be happier without forever chasing, you don't have to pretend, everyone is just themselves, and it benefits everyone

the idea of building a career is just for you to chase forever until you die

what if everyone focused instead, on becoming insanely good at something, something that they like, because they want it, 

wouldn't humanity benefit if doctors became doctors because they wanna heal, not because it's better paid?

If gardening or building weren't considered bad jobs, then the builders could go to work proud?

why does only a white-shirt job pay "well enough" and is "prestigious enough"

who decided that and when

I am at the point in life where I could not care less about other people, the more I focus on my own stuff, the happier I become

I also decided to stay in touch only with people who are kind, empathetic, joyful, and supportive. I am like that myself, and I don't know why I allowed other energy into my life for so long. 

Bitter, jealous, envious, judgmental, gossipy, and criticising are not values I want in my life, so why would I allow even partially this to be present in my life? I want good energy to flow around me, so I just stepped back with no regrets from anything like that, and it feels so refreshing

I wanna cultivate like a garden around me seeds of kindness, joy, compassion, supportiveness, encouragement, appreciation, and enthusiasm with no bad weeds damaging and destroying the peace of my garden.

I only realise now I can with no emotion, just simply block that sort of people and energies, be selective

let them be far away without interaction or negative emotions, just simply turning my head another way to things that supports me 

I always felt like I needed to explain, be understood, but maybe it's just a waste of energy

I am so grateful to be where I am. I had so much luck and support to be in that moment

Thank you!

dear unwritten future

 Dear future!

I know you're gonna be great, but could you be even greater? I lost my patience, all I want is now

So could we agree that you are now exactly as I always wanted?

I think it's fair play, I promise to make the best of it so it's win-win, you give me opportunities and chances, and I'm gonna smash them

Imagine all those sick things we can do together with a bit of luck!

Let's make an as unrealistic as possible list of things that could happen, and see how you can help:

But first things first,

Let's do it in white

1. My family is mentally, physically, and spiritually in good health, has peace of mind, and happiness, 

as we have that out of the way 

2. I am a great guitarist, composing comes so naturally and easily to me that even I am shocked when that happens

3. Somehow, my singing got better; it sounds so good!

4. I finished BIMM in music production and songwriting. I had so much fun there and learned a lot 

5. I am writing great songs, lifting people's moods and making them feel understood

6. I've seen Mexico, Brazil, French Polynesia, and Malaysia with those tiny islands, Japan, Shanghai, and the Amazon forest, the Dominican Republic, Punta Cana, I came back to Cuba, US Roadtrip, France and Spain Roadtrip, Madagascar, some Africa, Andorra, Caribbean, Panama, Bali

7. I have the cleverest cat I could, and it's so sweet, it talks to me. 

9. Yana, maybe

10. I played a concert for 20K

11. I did many collaborations with inspiring musicians

12. I live on passive income

13. I don't have to do a 9-5 job to live very well

14. I am so loved, and it works both ways. I make someone as happy as they make me happy, in balance 

15. I play with or meet MK.GEE, I think it would be fun haha, as he is so down to earth 

16. I do creative things that I like doing, and "he" also likes it

17. I feel free

18. I am so fit

19. I did my aligners and eye operation

20. I am so flexible and free of back pain 

21. My life is filled with music, love, and joy 

22. I wrote a kids' book, got published

23. I have a low-maintenance, large-income business.

24. 

25.

26.

 

Life is moving on, and I am excited for what's to come

I wanna go on another solo holiday

It was so much fun in Cuba

I would love to go somewhere else

be employed song

Am I a loser, LinkedIn abuser

My education turned out trash 

I might be funny, but I’ve been crying 

I’ve been rejected a hard hat 

My account’s sinking 

I should start drinking

But  I’m building my castle 

in Spain from resumes

Thanks for applying 

We’ve been trying 

To look at it, it didn't work 

We’ve got too many, wish you success

Am I a loser, LinkedIn abuser

My education turned out trash 

I might be funny, but I’ve been crying 

I’ve been rejected a hard hat 

Should I be chilling, or do even more? 

I’m fighting daily ATS wars

It might be silly, but I’ve been feeling 

Like it stripped my self-worth 

You might be thinking 

Why is she missing every boat

Why don’t you trust me 

I don’t need your rushing

I would take any port in that storm

 

being idiot

 i realized recently that people like me more when i pretend to be dumber

i mean i always did it sort of naturally but it's only recently when it started bothering me

i got used to playing stupid blonde and joke around that i didn't get something, asking too many questions, that it almost became a second nature

people like silly funny people, when you know too much they start hating you

no one likes someone who knows a lot

i also try to not talk much and ask a lot of questions

i learn more that way

but i also avoid talking about what i am processing at the moment in my head because it's often abstract and if i start speaking about it most people go into the mode

she's a freak, straight away

it worked fine for most of my life just trying to be sillier

but recently it just makes me tired, i wanna talk deep

i want to be around people who are cleverer than me

who when i say something they get it

so that when i say something i don't need to explain it

and then they still don't get it so they think i am dumb because they couldn't get it

i am just 10 steps ahead most of the time and i go straight there skipping all the middle bullshit as i think ahead, and quick

then they need every step explained from a to z, and for me a-z is self explanatory and i don't like wasting time

but if i am not behaving like everyone i am taken for dumb

that's why i have to ask a lot of questions, because if i do things my way i know no one will get it

i just always need to make sure that i do things at work the way they want it to be done and it's so difficult to follow the stupid unnecessary steps just to make sure other get it

you probably think I am cocky and trying to show off

believe me I am not, I just came to the moment that pretending to be someone I am not just to please others makes me tired, but I cannot function in that society well if I am not doing that because I come across as being an idiot (that's also so funny) or rude

i also don't get why people who have limited cognitive skills, or ugly to say, just less intelligent, take me for stupid, i usually try to assume everyone is clever until they really prove otherwise, but i am so often taken for dumb when i am myself, and when i pretend to be stupider i am taken for more smart and people tend to like me more

is there anyone with the same issue

i am probably gonna be judged for saying what i said and even less understood

but it seems like there is no solution for that

sometimes best way to win is to lose

I had a realisation that sometimes you need to lose in order to win. 
That giving up can be the best thing you can do at times. 

Sometimes the world is trying to show you to change your path, and you are opposing it so much that it has to use the strongest and hardest way to show you that the road that you should take should be the opposite of what you are doing.

Then you stop, and you reflect, and you have the aha moment, and you say to yourself:
How didn't I see it before?
Always, when something I do not want happens, in the end it works somehow best for me, so I just step back now and wait for what is to come — but it has to be great.

On the other note:

    Almost no one believes in me and my abilities lol, but that's fine - I believe in me, and I am my biggest cheerleader. The thing I never missed was motivation, and I am so highly self-motivated that I always achieved what I wanted somehow. Sometimes it took longer than expected, but I was always able to do it in the end.

    Teachers in my high school took me as stupid because I hated that f institution - after year one or two, I just decided I'm not gonna go there. I was going to a bookstore instead and reading books whenever I didn't feel like going to school. 

Anyway, even though I passed physics exams well, the teacher said he could not give me a good mark just because he didn't believe I could do it without attending lessons lol so he lowered my end marks (sic!)

 Then they made me take a German exam (and I did hate languages so much, including Polish) I just hated the topic as I had no interest in it at all. So they did a summer extra exam for me just to prevent me from finishing high school, and I failed. I didn't even bother to learn as I didn't want to learn German. (I finished HS anyway afterwards) At that point, everyone thought I was just dumb, and I would never learn a different language, and here I am speaking several. I just got an interest in Spanish, and I decided to move to Spain, where I just picked it up naturally - no lessons needed. Then I can speak Russian to some degree, Romanian, and fairly good English. No school, no classes, no grammar - just me and my will to learn and talk to people.

    So coming back to the topic - I wanna apply for music uni here. I did not have previous education in music, so everyone assumes I won't learn, or I am not good enough or whatever, but I know inside myself that my motivation is enough and will be. You can think I am crazy and judge me like the German teacher - "just a weird silly girl" - and I couldn't care less, because if I want something I'm gonna do it regardless of whether you believe in me or not :)

I just needed to vent on the topic, as almost everyone says I cannot do it, but there is one person who believes in me, or just won't tell me they don't, and thank you for that, as for most of my life, it was just me believing in myself.

I was the first in my family to have a degree (and the only one), first to move abroad, first to speak a different language, first to do sport regularly (although my brother has some interest in on and off), first to be vegetarian, first to play an instrument and be into music. No one ever believed I could do any of those things, and every single person I knew was discouraging me from even trying to pursue those things.
Luckily, I never relied on anyone's approval.

I know myself, my value, and have exactly zero interest in proving anything to anyone apart from myself :))

I always encourage everyone to pursue their dreams. Can that do any harm? Is there anything bad in having a dream and believing in it? Why do I have to be so realistic? What if the bigger you dream, the greater the chance of achieving it? Doesn't everything start from a thought and desire, followed by consistency to accomplish?

Maybe I was just born on a different planet, haha, but one thing you're not gonna take from that blind trust in a great future :D

znowu w zyciu mi nie wyszlo :D

I'm free, and it feels great!

I am feeling that the best part of my life is starting now, so 🤞

I am going to have a remote job and travel🙏

Not sure what could make me happier, maybe a cat only? (Or very, very good music)

food

 I do not feel hungry

AT ALL

I had periods in life like that 

but I just don't want to constantly go up and down with weight, and I am on the line of being too skinny 

I just cannot force food when I am not hungry

I try to drink as much food as I can but it's a torture 

😅

book

 I'm reading 

I always read in chunks, either i did load or nothing 

now is time i just READ hahah

now I cam across book addressing subconscious beliefs 

but from POV not digging in the past but actually how to approach them to change them

what is great bc I am against forever digging in the past as most psychologists suggest 

I am all about changing and learning in a way to improve and move forward and nor repeating same mistakes 

and I just discovered that what seems to always hunt me its actually my own fault hahaha

surprise surprise 

maybe its just time to own it 😂

thing we always tend to avoid 

but the author says even 3% fault is yours why not to adresss the 3% insted of  concentrating on 97% what it's not yours 

makes sense isn't it

but is so much easier to blame others life or stories 

january

probably the month when I always post the most LOL

my anxiety is over the roof but somehow I managed not to be bother 😂😂 I just said to it "I know you are there 24/7, but what if I don't give a F"

its should settle soon, as the problem was getting off my previous meds, so glad I did it as it was making my brain fog, and I was constantly hungry

finally feeling back myself, but the anxiety 😂

but maybe two weeks more, and it will settle down

I'm listening to such life-changing podcasts recently 

I also ordered a book so excited for it to come 💃🥳 soon

I wanna dedicate this year to self love and treat myself with all that I didn't recently 

I'm gonna be my own cheerleader! And I mean it, who's gonna root for you if not yourself 

I also wanna dye my hair green and pink again I feel like is about to time to get some colour in life until the spring comes and brings it

I'm feeling somehow good even so anxious and I'm so happy about that, maybe I finally getting it more under control, last year I didn't have one panic attack attack even and I thought I made it while the start of the year was rough, but then I feel like had it reasons so I am excused, but the rest of that year is gonna be good I can feel it, maybe sometimes you need to take step backwards to ba able to take 3 forwards 🤞🏻

Back in the realm of living

After a never-ending flu, which I genuinely believed was going to kill me (I’ve never been this sick as an adult), I’m back in the realm of the living. I still have a bit of a cough, but wow — that was exhausting.

Physically and mentally draining. Not a good start to the year at all, but it’s over. I’m definitely feeling better today, and my mental capacity is almost back.

It feels so good not to feel unwell. I’m honestly just grateful that I can breathe normally again.

So far, nothing this year has gone according to plan or expectations. But now that I’m feeling better, I’m full of hope that the worst is behind me. It can be a great year — so keep your fingers crossed for me, because I can’t wait for spring and what it brings 🌱

and I'm glad you're back, it's a little highlight! 

I started reading a book which took over, even though it’s the weirdest thing I’ve read. It starts as a school adventure for about 100 chapters, but then suddenly turns into a sort of p-0-rn story with a big O, lol. I mean, the storyline is great, but that was so unexpected. It's about polygamous relationships of teenagers in a fantasy world, all is well justified, but still the fact that you just start liking the characters and then stop judging at all..  scares how much you can end up justifying hahah

but on the side note, I like fantasy stories in different worlds, it's a nice escape

https://novelbin.com/b/defy-the-alphas/chapter-1-special-skills

I am open to all good things arriving that year!

I had a lot of time to think recently, and as an overthinker, it's not a great place to be. I would rather be busy. thoughts:

- Life is unpredictable

- people are unpredictable

- I'm so predictable lol 

- things I'm running from are the ones that haunt me 

- things that I chase are those I never truly get

Should I change my approach and just start doing everything I can to NOT get what I want, then it will come as a golden rainfall? hahahah maybe that's the clue 

This year I wanna focus only focus on

GYM and GUITAR, 

and maybe being clever with savings, and having loads of fun, joy and sun 

also having loads of good human interactions, the quality once 

AND BTW I realised I crave DEEPNESS
nothing shallow is fulfilling me 

Deep conversations

Deep connections

Deep soul dive whatever it means :D

 

It shouldn't matter - mayer

Shouldn't matter, but it does

Shoulda been open

Shoulda done more

Shoulda learned a lesson from the year before

Shoulda been honest

Shoulda just cried

Shoulda told me there was nothing left inside

I'm being too open

 I'm being to open and positive and it's not working in my own good sometimes 

Can I change?

Should I change?

I need to be able to breathe

My head's under water

But I'm not breathing fine

I just need a moment of peace a movement where I can breathe 

I'm not asking for much, but I'm not getting it from quite some time

I'm so tired of constantly being my own hero, I wouldn't mind some sort of help from time to time

Please 2026 treat me better, as I am exausted!

😂😂😅

woho we've made it

I made it to the end of another year. it was supposed to be one, and it turned out to be another

I guess it’s good that I trusted the process and gave it a chance

it was supposed to be a year of relief — it wasn’t. on top of the past three years of bad passa, new things were added

I wish it had ended there

but a few great things happened this year

I finally bought a flat, and guitar🍷
and I managed to make it liveable

I met you, D. it was such pure fun and joy. the late conversations about life and your endless happiness gave me a new desire to live. it’s hard to process that you blocked me on every possible platform 😅 😹 but I guess that was the agreement, wasn’t it?  so I get it no offence at all :) still, I am so grateful for all the selflessness, extreme kindness, and help overall. No one in ages has been so kind to me. who knows, maybe somehow our paths will cross again — I would like to thank you in person. I hope you are happy and doing great; in the end, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?

edit: so glad you texted me, so unexpected - glad to hear you're doing well!!  it's all I wanted to know Did I call that happening it by typing it LOL

I went to Cuba, which was the best holiday of my life. I thought traveling on my own would be boring, but I made so many friends — and at least one, maybe two, lifelong friends. I am so grateful again for meeting you, J.! having a friend somewhere out there who I can call at any time of day or night, who has my back and isn’t bothered a bit when I’m crying, and who will talk me out of it for an hour straight at 3 a.m., is a gift. I am just so grateful that I always meet so many amazing people. Thank you!!! universe, or God, or whatever is out there!

and thank you, [I don’t want to mention you because I’m afraid to jinx it]. you are such a sweetheart. what attracts me most in people is kindness, empathy, and sensitivity. I like depth — nice to meet you, human✋. 

So I guess the highlight of this year was people!

Thank you to everyone who's been around and helped me walk through this year!

and I still hate you all that none of you went for any of the concerts with me😅

somebody esle

🤮

I just had a mental fight, the part of the post that's below the line

but i decided now I'm not giving up to it

, maybe I just need more sleep and self-care and my happy part will take over, I was always happy, wasn't I?

one day is not a reason to judge the whole world for all times isn't it?

I so easy to fall into victim mode when things go a bit off

but maybe sometimes it's just time to step back 

--------------------------------

when the walking for hours is the only solution to calm you down

when the empty city night roads are your best company

the thinking that never stops

there is no way to live that way

exhausted by my own head

I just desperately wanna get out

it was okay for some time, a long time, I was doing so well

I thought that I managed it

so i had that idea, I can start living normally again

for some reason, human interactions makes it so much worse

and it's a thing I want the most

then it's just so overwhelming 

the thought of being invested and then it not being returned is the scariest thing ever for some reason 

but i cannot avoid living 

the thought of making wrong decisions 

the thought of being a burden 

that overthinking, but trying to behave normally bc then everyone would just avoid you. everyone needs a lift up, not a pull down

the thought of being the one who drags down

the thought of being that person who just complains 

how do I get out

lift me up

hold me down 

keep me close

safe and sound

why the end of the year is always the worst part ever

I did it, and I feel emptier then ever before

 

100 conversations were the goal

nothing else

just proper trail

fair, so I had to actually respond

as expected out of 100

with 4, It actually was worth  talking

but at the same time, it left me so F drained 

like I don't want to talk to anyone in 100 years after all

but done - forgotten

I learnt too that doesn't matter how hard I try - I'm never gonna be a different person 

I always try too fucking hard 

and I always have to invest too much either time or energy 

and I want the feeling that I am important 

but once I get it, I feel like it's too much, so I would rather walk away

so fucking pathetic.

like i actually asking myself: girl what do you want 

-------------------

also so many random outputs of events

I genuinely dn why my life it's being so chaotic

no plan, just following the wave 

to people who add to my peace, thank you for your tiny bits, as I feel like I lost control of what I am doing 

and maybe a sense of who I am 

And thanks for that late-night, six-hour-long LOL religion discussion, G!

I didn't think I needed it at all, but then I realised it was exactly what I needed

so unexpected 

it was so refreshing to see a completely different POV

and actually talk to someone whose nature is spiritual, just because

seems like we are friends now?

Thank you, A, for the sense of humour; it's so uplifting. I just needed it now 

And thanks, C, for the inspiration.. In the end, music is everything — isn’t it?

I am at the dead end in a few aspects of life rn, and I have no clue how it will go, but I trust that I'm always lucky, so I just life to work out its ways

and you, little human, never imagined that you could be that I.C.

feels almost like Winterfell, after the winter came

what does it suppose to teach me

wines with O always go so quickly

and to Sasha - you are such a highlight to that boring world, just with those always positive stories I can see on Instagram, I always think "maybe I actually could do something too"

 

Flor Palida

from myself to myself

 

just for fun

hey you! know I'm talking to you - you are fine, don't worry. I like to mind just my own business

and I know you can manage yours ;) 🍷 cheers

ps. I can read minds, but I keep it to myself, so nothing has to be said aloud, but I KNOW. 

I make decisions having all facts in mind first, I don't need to brag around about what I've come to know

I know I might appear not as bright at times, but maybe it's just a mask?

----------------------------------------------

ouch.

on other note

it unexpectedly or very expectedly hurt 

there is never a because 

there are always lots of whys

why avoiding pain is actually something that can be cause it  itself 

I wanna be again as naive, open clueless, and hopeful as when I was 20

I never got why people can become so bitter then

now, step after step I get it all

I thought nothing would ever break my spirit 

but now, I know why it can be chipped 

its like a mirror that you so precisely stuck back together, but no matter how good you become at sticking it back, the cracks will always be seen

there will never be spotless surfaces again

a tiny fracture, still a mirror, but it will always reflect things in the tiny bits only

The more you live, the more cracks you get, the only way to stop it will be to stop living, but we instead keep trying more and more 

🍷

oh boy!

I’m not sure how I let you get under my skin

I’ve been so careful watching every step, so precisely

Sometimes, overwriting feels like the only way to erase

If I overwrite, and then I need to overwrite the overwritten, when does it ever stop?

how to overwrite in a way that nothing come to the surface anymore 

oh,

fairly clever, fairly witty, fairly happy, fairly careless, fairly homely, fairly nothing-that-I-want-to-struggle-with or fairly something-I-not-should-be-doing but at the same time fairly satisfying, fairly unattainable what triggers fairly  desirable

have you ever been there?

 if yes, we would get along as its seems to be my favourite place to be. 

place when you want something because you can't get it, so you want it probably mostly because of that fact. not a fun place to be, seems like never never-ending chase you volunteered to take part in, and you can't even remember why, but you keep running 

Is my life like a trial? Am I constantly being checked on how much I can take? Is it like an obstacle race, wanting me so badly to fail,  checking how long until I give up?

When all is said and done

Could you really love anybody else?

Do you think about me when you're by yourself?

If this was really what you want

Why you're sitting staring at the floor?

Won't you break the silence now, what you're waiting for?

If you don't know by now

How much you love me

As deep as the ocean or as shallow as the tide

If you don't know by now

How much you want me

As constant as the heavens or as fleeting as the night

If you don't hear a sound when my heart's crying out

If you don't know by now I guess you'll never know

How long have I denied

Calling every worry about to fly

Maybe it was easier to close my eyes

Or maybe I'm a fool

For putting all my faith in you

'Cause somewhere in the darkest night there's a hidden truth

no sigue modas

 Enfadada con todo en la vida

No valora que el tiempo decida

Si la miran, se mira y pierde

El sentido, la salida

Exhausta de evasivas

Cansada de mentiras

No quiere bailar más

Princesa de mis sueños se ve tan mona

Dime quien te hizo daño pá verte tan sola

Quien te hizo utilizar y robarte toda

Corazón inocente, retoma la hora

emotions dump

I know now that my assumptions create the world around me, but somehow things still haven’t gotten much better. I expected that once I understood this, it would be easy from then on, but struggles still come. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to fully purify my mind yet.

So much has been going on recently that I don’t have the energy to write about it. Living alone can be lonely at times. I’ve been giving all my energy to music—it helps when it’s directed into something.

It would also be nice to have a home. I hope it’s closer than I think, and that I can finally take a deep breath, once and for all.

The daily struggle is what drains me. By the end of the day, I’m usually so tired that all I want is to sleep—and sleep is the best relief.

Where is life going to take me from here? What will I be writing here in a few years?

ps. Thank you for still being in my life.

If only there was somone I could talk to now

 I would tell them how I feel, and it would feel good, knowing that there is someone who likes to listen to me.

but there is only myself, and I'm tired of me

Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Burning in a hopeless dream
Hold me when you go to sleep
Keep me in the warmth of your love
When you depart, keep me safe
Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Drowning in an endless sea
Take some time and stay with me
Keep me in the strength of your arms
Keep me safe
Safe and sound

somebody else

the thought of you being with somebody else 
makes me physically ill, each time it passes my mind even for a fraction of a second

I thought I knew all sorts of feelings before 

but I didn't know that one

is like I would collect all world pain in that millisecond inside myself, and it would make me throw up just trying to bear it 

like my body rejects its heaviness and wanna get it out

but it won't leave

No matter how hard I try it won't leave me 

that helplessness that is 10000% out of my control, and I can only let it be and observe

That's the worst feeling I have ever experienced 

I don't think I felt that way even when my grandma died and it was SAD

it's so much beyond that 

and even it comes for that second, when I just let my mind free and stop trying to control every thought I have - It devastates me to the ground

its like everything I was doing before for ages to feel that 5% better, was like a drop in a huge fire and it was swept away or evaporated in a sec 

each time I get up, I say to myself, I'm gonna build it up again, I'm strong, but does it make sense?

I'm questioning myself

Why would I do it?

Isn't it easier to give up sometimes