Flor Palida

from myself to myself

 

just for fun

hey you! know I'm talking to you - you are fine, don't worry. I like to mind just my own business

and I know you can manage yours ;) 🍷 cheers

ps. I can read minds but I keep it myself, so nothing has to be said aloud but I know. 

I take decisions having all facts in mind first, I don't need to brag around about what I've came to know

I know I might appear not as bright at times, but maybe it's just a mask?

----------------------------------------------

ouch.

on other note

it unexpectedly or very expectedly hurt 

there is never a because 

there is always lots of why's

why avoiding pain actually something can be cause itself 

I wanna be again as naive open clueless and hopeful as when I was 20

I never got why people can become so bitter then

now step after step I get it all

I thought nothing ever will break my spirit 

but I know why it can be chipped 

its like a mirror you so precisely stuck back together, but no matter how good you become at sticking it back the cracks always will be seen

there will never be be spotless surfaces agian

a tiny fractures, still a mirror but it will always reflect things in the tiny bits only

more you live more cracks you get, the only way to stop it will be stop living, but we instead keep trying more and more 

🍷

oh boy!

I’m not sure how I let you get under my skin

I’ve been so careful watching every step, so precisely

Sometimes, overwriting feels like the only way to erase

If I overwrite, and then I need to overwrite the overwritten when does it ever stop?

how to overwrite in a way that nothing come to the surface anymore 

oh,

fairly clever, fairly witty, fairly happy, fairly carlees, fairly homely, fairly nothing-that-I-want-to-struggle-with or fairly something-I-not-should-be-doing but at the same time fairly satisfying, fairly unattainable what triggers fairly  desirable

have you ever been there? if yes, we would get along as its  seems to be my favourite place to be. place when you want something because you can't get it so you want probably mostly because of that fact. not a fun place to be, seems like never ending chase you volunteered to take part in and you can't even remember why but you keep running 

Is my life like trial? Am I constantly being checked how much can I take? is it like like obstacle race wanting me so badly to fail,  checking how long until I give up?

When all is said and done

Could you really love anybody else?

Do you think about me when you're by yourself?

If this was really what you want

Why you're sitting staring at the floor?

Won't you break the silence now, what you're waiting for?

If you don't know by now

How much you love me

As deep as the ocean or as shallow as the tide

If you don't know by now

How much you want me

As constant as the heavens or as fleeting as the night

If you don't hear a sound when my heart's crying out

If you don't know by now I guess you'll never know

How long have I denied

Calling every worry about to fly

Maybe it was easier to close my eyes

Or maybe I'm a fool

For putting all my faith in you

'Cause somewhere in the darkest night there's a hidden truth

no sigue modas

 Enfadada con todo en la vida

No valora que el tiempo decida

Si la miran, se mira y pierde

El sentido, la salida

Exhausta de evasivas

Cansada de mentiras

No quiere bailar más

Princesa de mis sueños se ve tan mona

Dime quien te hizo daño pá verte tan sola

Quien te hizo utilizar y robarte toda

Corazón inocente, retoma la hora

emotions dump

I know now that my assumptions create the world around me, but somehow things still haven’t gotten much better. I expected that once I understood this, it would be easy from then on, but struggles still come. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to fully purify my mind yet.

So much has been going on recently that I don’t have the energy to write about it. Living alone can be lonely at times. I’ve been giving all my energy to music—it helps when it’s directed into something.

It would also be nice to have a home. I hope it’s closer than I think, and that I can finally take a deep breath, once and for all.

The daily struggle is what drains me. By the end of the day, I’m usually so tired that all I want is to sleep—and sleep is the best relief.

Where is life going to take me from here? What will I be writing here in a few years?

ps. Thank you for still being in my life.

If only there was somone I could talk to now

 I would tell them how I feel, and it would feel good, knowing that there is someone who likes to listen to me.

but there is only myself, and I'm tired of me

Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Burning in a hopeless dream
Hold me when you go to sleep
Keep me in the warmth of your love
When you depart, keep me safe
Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Drowning in an endless sea
Take some time and stay with me
Keep me in the strength of your arms
Keep me safe
Safe and sound

somebody else

the thought of you being with somebody else 
makes me physically ill, each time it passes my mind even for a fraction of a second

I thought I knew all sorts of feelings before 

but I didn't know that one

is like I would collect all world pain in that millisecond inside myself, and it would make me throw up just trying to bear it 

like my body rejects its heaviness and wanna get it out

but it won't leave

No matter how hard I try it won't leave me 

that helplessness that is 10000% out of my control, and I can only let it be and observe

That's the worst feeling I have ever experienced 

I don't think I felt that way even when my grandma died and it was SAD

it's so much beyond that 

and even it comes for that second when I just let my mind free and stop trying to control every thought I have - It devastates me to the ground

its like everything I was doing before for ages to feel that 5% better, was like a drop in a huge fire and it was swept away or evaporated in a sec 

each time I get up, I say to myself, I'm gonna build it up again, I'm strong, but does it make sense?

I'm questioning myself

Why would I do it?

Isn't it easier to give up sometimes

sates

I've been thinking a lot recently (not that is something new to me)
I do sometimes other stuff like playing the guitar and desperately trying to be good at it, to the point that metronome became my best friend...

Anyway I was thinking about change

change is so hard to do, I like to debate what would I do if, and how would I feel if, but then I do nothing to be or feel that way now. I always rely on outside circumstances 

it's so much easier to watch YT video and think you DID something to change

while you just distracted yourself from DOING

when you listen to 100s of people saying yes of course you can do it, but all you do is watch

when all that knowledge would help

I was always a little of an idealist, I liked talking for hours about all the possibilities

while there are people who hear something once and just try it

100 times until they succeed

I GENUINELY want to be that person who, instead of thinking, is doing 

and endlessly trying till success

I have so much more to share, but maybe later on, I will do 

Money to burn

 If I had a penny every time you let me down,

I'd be rich as a King in a crown,

I'd be rolling around in diamonds and pearls, I know

If I had a penny every time you cared,

I'd be poor as a poet in a broken bed,

Cause I've waited too long on your promises, I know,

Ooh I know,

Oh my love,

How long have you banked on me,

You say you're lost,

Story's getting old,

If your lies were money,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I believe,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

If I could cash all the hurt,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I won't leave,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

If I had a penny every time I caught you out,

I'd be drinking 'til the sun and the stars came down,

Bet you thought,

I didn't know about her,

Ooh, I know

Oh my love,

How long have you banked on me,

You say you're lost,

Story's getting old,

If your lies were money,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I believe,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

If I could cash all the hurt,

I'd still have money to burn,

But I won't leave,

You owe your love it all belongs to me,

life 

treat me 

kindly

is 

all I 

ask 

now

Could it be I missed the question

I didn't hear you say a word

Or could it be I'm not the answer

Or your girl

I've been running round

Looking for reasons

It's funny, it still don't make sense

What is it that keeps you from thinking,

We're just friends?

I don't think we'd last forever

I'd always be waiting for more

And maybe if I weren't in love

It'd be easier

To play along

You say have I ever been

Have I ever been

Have I ever been someone to you

Mirror on the wall, here we are again Through my rise and fall

Mirror on the wall, here we are again
Through my rise and fall
You've been my only friend 
You told me that they can understand the man I am
So why are we here talkin' to each other again?

Funny enough life like to challenge

But here I am ready

It only shows who are the people who will stand by you no matter what

and it only shows the beauty of life

I should give here a few big shout outs to you 4 who just was as amazing as you possibly could to me. I always had fucking luck to meeting right people in the right moments. It never let me down. Thank you for being so blessed! 

Like sometimes taking unexpected turns

What what it teaches you that no matter what it can be turned in the best possible outcome

I'm not saying without struggle

But with the head rised up you can go forward

Maybe the good things are just around the corner?

All what has happened in life to me at the ends it always worked in my favours, even I could not see it at the start, but If you zoom out the time I could clearly see it

The life I picture myself is exciting, beautiful and full of love

as it's been for most, sometimes I'm getting lost but then I remember who I truly am.   

love

I wanna be surrounded by endless love.

I challenge myself to not stay in any version of that reality that does not fulfil that condition.

I choose love.

So love can choose me.

It might sound like I'm turning mad, but I'm not.

I stayed surrounded and caught up in so much bullshit that I am done with it.

One thing everyone is gifted with (most of us) is freedom of choice and I challenge myself to chose love.

first of all kinds of love goes love to yourself, once you posses it/become it then you are the part of the endless love network of our creation, and you can give it and receive it freely.

The scariest thing to do i distance yourself from things that blocking it, even it seems counterproductive.

on the other side is peace.

endless peace of mind, which can wipe out any worry 

and make you wanna live

today is the first day of my life when I can truly feel it and I hope it lasts.

I feel so calm I don't want it ever to end

and I love you

I know when it started but I don't know when it ends

I cannot keep writing as it will be constant long went
I promised to not went and to be positive as fuck
but I do feel lonely like never before 

I know my faults in it 

It feels like it will never end even my hopes are high 

I cannot find pleasure in anything and don't mistake with depression 

OMG!

 the freaking randomness and intensity thing are happening sometimes in my life is just insane

am I magnet to all freaking wired situation?

 I cannot went here for some reason but If I would just tell the stories you would be surprised yourself

I thought I might have to start writing a book as a story of my life bc it could sell well

L**** is as mad city, the amount of stuff happening here overcomes your imagination if you live anywhere else

I do

 enjoy every little moment given

so grateful I do have it

Its so lucky 

that I've got what I've got

:)

 

The only time I feel I might get better

Tandetnej szminki swojej róż

 Raise the glass for new to come!

It was quite a year. 

Everyone who knows would agree.

One more to go.

.

 poprostu po ludzku przykro mi

nie umiem sobie tego ulozyc w gowie dzisiaj

My footsteps on the ground

But I'm in the trees, I'm in the breeze

My footsteps on the ground

You'll see my face in every place

lots

This year lots have happened 

its wasn't easy journey 

now I feel like I finally see some lights through that darkness 

tiny blinking light at the end of narrow dark street but is there all the time 

sometimes is harder to see it but it's constantly there and helps to walk

My life always was full of bumps on my roads

I think finally I'm starting to take responsibility for them

I always believed is a bad luck or its a destiny or however you wanna call it

Now I know that you create what comes in majority and its your responsibility how you take it and what you do with it

Some of those lessons was painful but I hope I've learnt once for all

Please all of you and universe keep fingers crossed for me because I need a little bit of luck this time

I did all I possibly could to make things better I cannot think of one thing more I could do

So all its gonna be good but to be extraordinarily I need this few precent of luck 

so I'm  asking for it 

I'm all ready to receive it

I wanna come back to that massage soon and just add thanks 

I feel like I could be happy

Nadal bardzo Cie kocham

to ma sens

czy to widzisz?

Autumn 🍂

Where am I?

Where are you?

What's going on in my life is beyond I ever imagined I could ever process.

I'm still alive and here, stronger then ever.

Did it all have to happened to I start to believe that sometimes even you have nothing to say in you story (at least it looks like at moments) you still can choose to be happy?

Happiness is a choice, what you think is a choice and how you react is your choice.

Hope you never going to forget it Martyna

Even if you are crumbling on the floor and crying your eyes out its your choice. You chose to do it, someone else in your situation could be just having a walk and drinking a coffee - but you chosen to react in that ways so you suffer. 

So pick up yourself as soon as you can and decide to be happy, as circumstances no meter, you decide how you feel by simply allowing the thoughts to flood you

Don't do it, that's not worth it

Let's finish with victimising yourself in your mind.

Start simply tell yourself different stories as the old once do not benefit you in any way

🎊🥳

 HBTM

I guess

Just please be better then the last one!

Pixies Wheeeeeeeeeeere is my miiiiiiiiiiiind

 

this month was quite big one

no one would even understand if I would try to explain all why's

most people won't approve but it feels

like I can make decisions for myself by myself

and then live with the consequences

sometimes there is no steps back

and sometimes that's allright

at the same time I couldn't care less (not about you)

I didn't know that I could not care

but apparently that's possible

(that's a bit scary)

I thought it would matter more

but it didn't

It feels like nothing to me

like just never ending nothing 

and it surprised me 

I though I would feel something, but I don't

at all

It very new to me

the experiment (life is it) continues

only think can make me feel something deeper is music rn

and the thing what makes me feel good 

is VERY surprisingly listening laud to Slash

I became do much stronger recently that I surprise even myself

Life likes to challenge me

co czujesz

Help, I lost myself agian but you remember me

 

Help! I lost myself again

 but you remember me

the hardest period of my life so far
I've never fallen  from so high

I've never fallen so low
I'm not sure anymore I can get up

Seems impossible

I'm the one who always tries the hardest

I was always so strong

 

I don't even know how this all has happened

My all energy goes into trying to feel better but seems working so slow

There is no way to take this pain away and separate from it

How do I reverse it 

I need to be the most strong when I'm the most weak

.

it's my life

is it now or never?

is it yes or no?

The summer smell its adding to my deeps, its hugging me an lifting me up.

I'm confident  all goes in a good direction

Such a thunderstorm in my life