I know when it started but I don't know when it ends

I cannot keep writing as it will constant long went
I promised to not went and to be positive as fuck
but I do feel lonely like never before 

I know my faults in it 

It feels like it will never end even my hopes are high 

I cannot find pleasure in anything and don't mistake with depression 

OMG!

 the freaking randomness and intensity thing are happening sometimes in my life is just insane

am I magnet to all freaking wired situation?

 I cannot went here for some reason but If I would just tell the stories you would be surprised yourself

I thought I might have to start writing a book as a story of my life bc it could sell well

L**** is as mad city, the amount of stuff happening here overcomes your imagination if you live anywhere else

I do

 enjoy every little moment given

so grateful I do have it

Its so lucky 

that I've got what I've got

:)

 

The only time I feel I might get better

Tandetnej szminki swojej róż

 Raise the glass for new to come!

It was quite a year. 

Everyone who knows would agree.

One more to go.

.

 poprostu po ludzku przykro mi

nie umiem sobie tego ulozyc w gowie dzisiaj

My footsteps on the ground

But I'm in the trees, I'm in the breeze

My footsteps on the ground

You'll see my face in every place

lots

This year lots have happened 

its wasn't easy journey 

now I feel like I finally see some lights through that darkness 

tiny blinking light at the end of narrow dark street but is there all the time 

sometimes is harder to see it but it's constantly there and helps to walk

My life always was full of bumps on my roads

I think finally I'm starting to take responsibility for them

I always believed is a bad luck or its a destiny or however you wanna call it

Now I know that you create what comes in majority and its your responsibility how you take it and what you do with it

Some of those lessons was painful but I hope I've learnt once for all

Please all of you and universe keep fingers crossed for me because I need a little bit of luck this time

I did all I possibly could to make things better I cannot think of one thing more I could do

So all its gonna be good but to be extraordinarily I need this few precent of luck 

so I'm  asking for it 

I'm all ready to receive it

I wanna come back to that massage soon and just add thanks 

I feel like I could be happy

Nadal bardzo Cie kocham

to ma sens

czy to widzisz?

Autumn 🍂

Where am I?

Where are you?

What's going on in my life is beyond I ever imagined I could ever process.

I'm still alive and here, stronger then ever.

Did it all have to happened to I start to believe that sometimes even you have nothing to say in you story (at least it looks like at moments) you still can choose to be happy?

Happiness is a choice, what you think is a choice and how you react is your choice.

Hope you never going to forget it Martyna

Even if you are crumbling on the floor and crying your eyes out its your choice. You chose to do it, someone else in your situation could be just having a walk and drinking a coffee - but you chosen to react in that ways so you suffer. 

So pick up yourself as soon as you can and decide to be happy, as circumstances no meter, you decide how you feel by simply allowing the thoughts to flood you

Don't do it, that's not worth it

Let's finish with victimising yourself in your mind.

Start simply tell yourself different stories as the old once do not benefit you in any way

🎊🥳

 HBTM

I guess

Just please be better then the last one!

Pixies Wheeeeeeeeeeere is my miiiiiiiiiiiind

 

this month was quite big one

no one would even understand if I would try to explain all why's

most people won't approve but it feels

like I can make decisions for myself by myself

and then live with the consequences

sometimes there is no steps back

and sometimes that's allright

at the same time I couldn't care less (not about you)

I didn't know that I could not care

but apparently that's possible

(that's a bit scary)

I thought it would matter more

but it didn't

It feels like nothing to me

like just never ending nothing 

and it surprised me 

I though I would feel something, but I don't

at all

It very new to me

the experiment (life is it) continues

only think can make me feel something deeper is music rn

and the thing what makes me feel good 

is VERY surprisingly listening laud to Slash

I became do much stronger recently that I surprise even myself

Life likes to challenge me

co czujesz

Help, I lost myself agian but you remember me

 

Help! I lost myself again

 but you remember me

the hardest period of my life so far
I've never fallen  from so high

I've never fallen so low
I'm not sure anymore I can get up

Seems impossible

I'm the one who always tries the hardest

I was always so strong

 

I don't even know how this all has happened

My all energy goes into trying to feel better but seems working so slow

There is no way to take this pain away and separate from it

How do I reverse it 

I need to be the most strong when I'm the most weak

.

it's my life

is it now or never?

is it yes or no?

The summer smell its adding to my deeps, its hugging me an lifting me up.

I'm confident  all goes in a good direction

Such a thunderstorm in my life

dive

deep dive down.

how to lift up.

breathing, i try to keep breathing

a big day

Small people think they gonna rise by belittling others.
Strong people or true leaders know that you rise by lifting others up.
To all of the who likes bitching about
You're still there while I'm here ;)

running circles

FINNEAS - Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa

  Jasmine Jethwa - Running Circles

I feel really alone. 

Like there is no one to talk. 
Again. It makes me sad.

I guess it will pass

overwhelming feeling of love

artificial

but with real feeling attached to it

such an interesting thing 

like your mind will open, or leveled up.

like everyone and everything  would be connected by love

before you couldn't see it clearly, but now you can

like the world gave you a big hug and you wanna give it back

like all the bad thoughts and ideas in your head wouldn't matter anymore

like you will not see need to worry about little important things anymore

:D

angry

I cannot recall situation in my life when I actually felt very angry

I normally feel sad or happy, disappointed or satisfied, powerless or hopeful

But I managed to so far to don't feel angry, or for sure not to that degree

Recently I managed to feel very strong anger. I don't know how to deal with it.

It's not that kind of anger that you shout, or hit something or be aggressive.

It's like passive anger, what eats you inside. I feel like my body its about to explode from it of burn. I can't stop it neither control. And there is no one specific reason I'm feeling it. Each factor causing it its not only adding to it. It feels more like each next thing is multiplying the once from before. 

Like a snowball what builds up at the start slowly, but then takes speed and volume, faster and faster. 

I don't know where it came from. Maybe I never allowed myself to be angry.

I could be upset, nervous but it never filled me that way.

idk

 maybe its autumn

yeah I bet its why

😬

 Im feeling soooooo

sooooooooooo

sooooooooooooooo

old

monotony in fun

I took this year at least 10 flights
Another 6 coming
I always wanted to be traveler
I'm not quite sure about it anymore
I hate airports
Long waits
Delayed and canceled flights
I also hate lack of routines
I hate a security checks (always going through the longest check as they assuming I look as a convict or drug diler)

I hate that water cost fortune at the airport and to get there takes longer than actual flight

I hate that in the summer everything is overcrowded

Romania, Poland, Romania, Spain, Greece, Asia, Romania, Poland?

Meantime I also maned few travels with rail (Oxford, Cambridge, Cardiff,.)

Long roundtrip in Poland ( Lodz-Warsaw-Krakow-Zakopane-Auschwitz-Wieliczka-Lodz-Warsaw)

I moved a flat also, after covid it was busiest time

As much as I like to active it was bit to much for 6 months

I also processed lots mentally

I would post some photos but need to do selection first

I feel happy, but I also feel confused af

I didn't edit even I filmed lots

somebody else.

 Dzisiaj myślę o 

Tobie 

To chyba przez …… .

Nieraz jakieś dziwne myśli mnie nachodzą

Tęsknię za tymi czasami z tobą

Beztroskimi, bo każdy dopiero zaczynał życie

Teraz już tak nie jest

Już tak nie ma

Tęsknię za tym 

Miałam wtedy nadzieje na lepsza przyszłość

Energię, idee, wielkie cele

Teraz jakoś świat się prezentuje inaczej 

Nic nie jest proste

Jakoś wszystko mniej cieszy, jednak

Wiadomo ze czasu mniej, więc jakoś rozsądnie trzeba  z niego korzystać

Tak mi brakuje tej beztroski

Dyskusji o niczym i o wszystkim 

Planowania przyszłości vs przezywania jej

z ta mlodziencza naiwnoscia

Nieraz sobie czytam to co mam w archiwum.

Sporadycznie ale sie zdarza.

Już nie rozmawiamy.

A ja mam tyle do opowiedzenia.

Ciekawi mnie, jak tak naprawdę  się czujesz

Czy czasem masz takie zastanowienia jak ja

Co rozważasz? tak na codzień, w głowie.

Co w życiu Ci wyszło? a co raczej średnio?

Czy masz fajnych ludzi wokół siebie? czy tak jak ja - raczej mało?

Czy spełniasz jakieś z własnych marzeń i celów?

O czym czytasz?

I komu to opowiadasz

Co się zmieniło w twoim podejściu/ poglądach

U mnie tak duzo sie zmienilo. Tesknie za swoja "glowa" z przeszlosci, 

wszystko wydawalo sie latwe.

pozniej juz nigdy takie nie bylo.

Pewnie o tym nie pogadamy.

A ja, naprawdę, jestem bardzo ciekawa

1975

cinematographyyyyyyy

 I'm taking little steps forwards it
and it makees me happyy

otherwise I'm confused AF

I don't know what to do and how

 

I'm sooo sorry to all friends and people who I didn't answer for ages 

(if I did text you back you're lucky)

Its so much going on that I can't concentrate on any answers to anyone

I feel bad but just can't manage to text back

Life absorbing me totally

I feel like my hours just shrieked

and nothing fits in anymore

plains airports parties doesn't help

I did no edit YT even I've got  loaaats of good recordings

I did not go to the gym

No anything out of my tight schedule

Moving soon I hope it will help to go trough winter and THE course easier having time and space to learn

holidays to come also looking forwards it

i've got so much going on my head and no time to type anything

so I just do that shortcut

to later remember why I wasn't writing

naw fav 2

 

my new fav food

(thai curry)

my new few spot

my new fav days

my life is funny

instead of getting more organised it goes towards total chaos

let's see how can I deal with it

there is few events I'm looking forward to

summer should be nice and then I start new adventure with film 

fingers crossed to it go well

I would love to have someone clever next to me to give me advices 

but I don't 

:D

new fav

my new fav quote

“I don't care what you think about me. I don't think about you at all.”

all what I need to have in my head for now :D