F***ING PERFECT

[down more happy thoughts]

 soooooooo

soooooooooooooo

I'tired of being expected to be perfect

I never was and never will be

but just growing up in the society that expects you to be shining as a sample on the storefront 

is exhausting

I don't even want to be that perfect 

nothing is that perfect and closing eyes and repeating that is otherwise won't change anything

you are not that f**** perfect yourself 

why do you expect others to be 

why does it makes you uncomfortable facing imperfection

what you wanna just close your eyes and ears and pretend that if you won't  be looking at it, it won't exist

just look in the eyes 

say it in the face

confront it

I'm a human being 

not an exhibit in the museum

 to be looked at and discussed

reviewed and judged

"she might need more time"

"she is making progress slowly"

"she stands out a little"

"some people might need more time the the others..."

am I needing more time to be as everyone else?

to be as even more hypocritical than I am at the moment?

why we always need to try to change others? Why don't we accept them and try instead to work on ourselves if we believe we need to do so?

what if biggest motivation to changes it your example, not your theoretical- judgy tone of voice?

I've said it once already. I hate that fake dictated, almost forced kindness. I value more unkindness when honest then pretended kindness.

There is nothing worst then fake kindness.

When someone is just so kind until the limits just to show how wonderful person he is, so others can praise him.

nothing annoys me more then fake pretended kindness

is the something to do to don't take part in this  spectacle

to just stop being part of it

the show must go on

Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile, still, stays on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

from positives
it started to go a bit smoother
I'm enjoying the way of achieving my gaols
it might take some time
but this time I'm committed to enjoy the way
as much as possible
because finally the life in not much more then the way

I am happy

honestly and truly happy

in tiny room, in the middle of  one of maddest cities in the world

working a lot, not having much time off

but with happy state of mind

I just try to take bit of enjoyment for each day

from simple things

a morning sport 

a good coffee

a nice conversations with people

music ( I didn't listen to music for so long, I'm trying too enjoy it again) 

I enjoy the days when I'm not having a headache

a fresh air 

a smell of the rain

wearing jackets

sleeping deep with no nightmare - finally (at least not that often)

felling more free

not knowing anyone gives that space of  allowing you to be who you wanna be more often instead of what expected of you

just not planning much

just living the days day by day with no deeper expectation

I try to expect as less as possible form anything 

to be more often positively surprised

I'm enjoying watching the nature and the views

I'm so grateful that I could travel a bit

that I'm improving my language day by day 

I didn't feel like that for many years

I hope it last at least a bit 

hopefully just a bit longer 

:))))))))))