woho we've made it

I made it to the end of another year. it was supposed to be one, and it turned out to be another

I guess it’s good that I trusted the process and gave it a chance

it was supposed to be a year of relief — it wasn’t. on top of the past three years of bad passa, new things were added

I wish it had ended there

but a few great things happened this year

I finally bought a flat, and guitar🍷
and I managed to make it liveable

I met you, D. it was such pure fun and joy. the late conversations about life and your endless happiness gave me a new desire to live. it’s hard to process that you blocked me on every possible platform 😅 😹 but I guess that was the agreement, wasn’t it?  so I get it no offence at all :) still, I am so grateful for all the selflessness, extreme kindness, and help overall. No one in ages has been so kind to me. who knows, maybe somehow our paths will cross again — I would like to thank you in person. I hope you are happy and doing great; in the end, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?

edit: so glad you texted me, so unexpected - glad to hear you're doing well!!  it's all I wanted to know Did I call that happening it by typing it LOL

I went to Cuba, which was the best holiday of my life. I thought traveling on my own would be boring, but I made so many friends — and at least one, maybe two, lifelong friends. I am so grateful again for meeting you, J.! having a friend somewhere out there who I can call at any time of day or night, who has my back and isn’t bothered a bit when I’m crying, and who will talk me out of it for an hour straight at 3 a.m., is a gift. I am just so grateful that I always meet so many amazing people. Thank you!!! universe, or God, or whatever is out there!

and thank you, [I don’t want to mention you because I’m afraid to jinx it]. you are such a sweetheart. what attracts me most in people is kindness, empathy, and sensitivity. I like depth — nice to meet you, human✋. 

So I guess the highlight of this year was people!

Thank you to everyone who's been around and helped me walk through this year!

and I still hate you all that none of you went for any of the concerts with me😅

somebody esle

🤮

I just had a mental fight, the part of the post that's below the line

but i decided now I'm not giving up to it

, maybe I just need more sleep and self-care and my happy part will take over, I was always happy, wasn't I?

one day is not a reason to judge the whole world for all times isn't it?

I so easy to fall into victim mode when things go a bit off

but maybe sometimes it's just time to step back 

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when the walking for hours is the only solution to calm you down

when the empty city night roads are your best company

the thinking that never stops

there is no way to live that way

exhausted by my own head

I just desperately wanna get out

it was okay for some time, a long time, I was doing so well

I thought that I managed it

so i had that idea, I can start living normally again

for some reason, human interactions makes it so much worse

and it's a thing I want the most

then it's just so overwhelming 

the thought of being invested and then it not being returned is the scariest thing ever for some reason 

but i cannot avoid living 

the thought of making wrong decisions 

the thought of being a burden 

that overthinking, but trying to behave normally bc then everyone would just avoid you. everyone needs a lift up, not a pull down

the thought of being the one who drugs down

the thought of being that person who just complains 

how do I get out

lift me up

hold me down 

keep me close

safe and sound

why the end of the year is always the worst part ever

I did it, and I feel emptier then ever before

 

100 conversations were the goal

nothing else

just proper trail

fair, so I had to actually respond

as expected out of 100

with 4, It actually was worth  talking

but at the same time, it left me so F drained 

like I don't want to talk to anyone in 100 years after all

but done - forgotten

I learnt too that doesn't matter how hard I try - I'm never gonna be a different person 

I always try too fucking hard 

and I always have to invest too much either time or energy 

and I want the feeling that I am important 

but once I get it, I feel like it's too much, so I would rather walk away

so fucking pathetic.

like i actually asking myself: girl what do you want 

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also so many random outputs of events

I genuinely dn why my life it's being so chaotic

no plan, just following the wave 

to people who add to my peace, thank you for your tiny bits, as I feel like I lost control of what I am doing 

and maybe a sense of who I am 

And thanks for that late-night, six-hour-long LOL religion discussion, G!

I didn't think I needed it at all, but then I realised it was exactly what I needed

so unexpected 

it was so refreshing to see a completely different POV

and actually talk to someone whose nature is spiritual, just because

seems like we are friends now?

Thank you, A, for the sense of humour; it's so uplifting. I just needed it now 

And thanks, C, for the inspiration.. In the end, music is everything — isn’t it?

I am at the dead end in a few aspects of life rn, and I have no clue how it will go, but I trust that I'm always lucky, so I just life to work out its ways

and you, little human, never imagined that you could be that I.C.

feels almost like Winterfell, after the winter came

what does it suppose to teach me

wines with O always go so quickly

and to Sasha - you are such a highlight to that boring world, just with those always positive stories I can see on Instagram, I always think "maybe I actually could do something too"