woho we've made it

I made it to the end of another year. it was supposed to be one, and it turned out to be another

I guess it’s good that I trusted the process and gave it a chance

it was supposed to be a year of relief — it wasn’t. on top of the past three years of bad passa, new things were added

I wish it had ended there

but a few great things happened this year

I finally bought a flat, and guitar🍷
and I managed to make it liveable

I met you, D. it was such pure fun and joy. the late conversations about life and your endless happiness gave me a new desire to live. it’s hard to process that you blocked me on every possible platform 😅 😹 but I guess that was the agreement, wasn’t it?  so I get it no offence at all :) still, I am so grateful for all the selflessness, extreme kindness, and help overall. No one in ages has been so kind to me. who knows, maybe somehow our paths will cross again — I would like to thank you in person. I hope you are happy and doing great; in the end, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?

edit: so glad you texted me, so unexpected - glad to hear you're doing well!!  it's all I wanted to know Did I call that happening it by typing it LOL

I went to Cuba, which was the best holiday of my life. I thought traveling on my own would be boring, but I made so many friends — and at least one, maybe two, lifelong friends. I am so grateful again for meeting you, J.! having a friend somewhere out there who I can call at any time of day or night, who has my back and isn’t bothered a bit when I’m crying, and who will talk me out of it for an hour straight at 3 a.m., is a gift. I am just so grateful that I always meet so many amazing people. Thank you!!! universe, or God, or whatever is out there!

and thank you, [I don’t want to mention you because I’m afraid to jinx it]. you are such a sweetheart. what attracts me most in people is kindness, empathy, and sensitivity. I like depth — nice to meet you, human✋. 

So I guess the highlight of this year was people!

Thank you to everyone who's been around and helped me walk through this year!

and I still hate you all that none of you went for any of the concerts with me😅

somebody esle

🤮

I just had a mental fight, the part of the post that's below the line

but i decided now I'm not giving up to it

, maybe I just need more sleep and self-care and my happy part will take over, I was always happy, wasn't I?

one day is not a reason to judge the whole world for all times isn't it?

I so easy to fall into victim mode when things go a bit off

but maybe sometimes it's just time to step back 

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when the walking for hours is the only solution to calm you down

when the empty city night roads are your best company

the thinking that never stops

there is no way to live that way

exhausted by my own head

I just desperately wanna get out

it was okay for some time, a long time, I was doing so well

I thought that I managed it

so i had that idea, I can start living normally again

for some reason, human interactions makes it so much worse

and it's a thing I want the most

then it's just so overwhelming 

the thought of being invested and then it not being returned is the scariest thing ever for some reason 

but i cannot avoid living 

the thought of making wrong decisions 

the thought of being a burden 

that overthinking, but trying to behave normally bc then everyone would just avoid you. everyone needs a lift up, not a pull down

the thought of being the one who drugs down

the thought of being that person who just complains 

how do I get out

lift me up

hold me down 

keep me close

safe and sound

why the end of the year is always the worst part ever

I did it, and I feel emptier then ever before

 

100 conversations were the goal

nothing else

just proper trail

fair, so I had to actually respond

as expected out of 100

with 4, It actually was worth  talking

but at the same time, it left me so F drained 

like I don't want to talk to anyone in 100 years after all

but done - forgotten

I learnt too that doesn't matter how hard I try - I'm never gonna be a different person 

I always try too fucking hard 

and I always have to invest too much either time or energy 

and I want the feeling that I am important 

but once I get it, I feel like it's too much, so I would rather walk away

so fucking pathetic.

like i actually asking myself: girl what do you want 

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also so many random outputs of events

I genuinely dn why my life it's being so chaotic

no plan, just following the wave 

to people who add to my peace, thank you for your tiny bits, as I feel like I lost control of what I am doing 

and maybe a sense of who I am 

And thanks for that late-night, six-hour-long LOL religion discussion, G!

I didn't think I needed it at all, but then I realised it was exactly what I needed

so unexpected 

it was so refreshing to see a completely different POV

and actually talk to someone whose nature is spiritual, just because

seems like we are friends now?

Thank you, A, for the sense of humour; it's so uplifting. I just needed it now 

And thanks, C, for the inspiration.. In the end, music is everything — isn’t it?

I am at the dead end in a few aspects of life rn, and I have no clue how it will go, but I trust that I'm always lucky, so I just life to work out its ways

and you, little human, never imagined that you could be that I.C.

feels almost like Winterfell, after the winter came

what does it suppose to teach me

wines with O always go so quickly

and to Sasha - you are such a highlight to that boring world, just with those always positive stories I can see on Instagram, I always think "maybe I actually could do something too"

 

Flor Palida

from myself to myself

 

just for fun

hey you! know I'm talking to you - you are fine, don't worry. I like to mind just my own business

and I know you can manage yours ;) 🍷 cheers

ps. I can read minds, but I keep it to myself, so nothing has to be said aloud, but I KNOW. 

I make decisions having all facts in mind first, I don't need to brag around about what I've come to know

I know I might appear not as bright at times, but maybe it's just a mask?

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ouch.

on other note

it unexpectedly or very expectedly hurt 

there is never a because 

there are always lots of whys

why avoiding pain is actually something that can be cause it  itself 

I wanna be again as naive, open clueless, and hopeful as when I was 20

I never got why people can become so bitter then

now, step after step I get it all

I thought nothing would ever break my spirit 

but now, I know why it can be chipped 

its like a mirror that you so precisely stuck back together, but no matter how good you become at sticking it back, the cracks will always be seen

there will never be spotless surfaces again

a tiny fracture, still a mirror, but it will always reflect things in the tiny bits only

The more you live, the more cracks you get, the only way to stop it will be to stop living, but we instead keep trying more and more 

🍷

oh boy!

I’m not sure how I let you get under my skin

I’ve been so careful watching every step, so precisely

Sometimes, overwriting feels like the only way to erase

If I overwrite, and then I need to overwrite the overwritten, when does it ever stop?

how to overwrite in a way that nothing come to the surface anymore 

oh,

fairly clever, fairly witty, fairly happy, fairly careless, fairly homely, fairly nothing-that-I-want-to-struggle-with or fairly something-I-not-should-be-doing but at the same time fairly satisfying, fairly unattainable what triggers fairly  desirable

have you ever been there?

 if yes, we would get along as its seems to be my favourite place to be. 

place when you want something because you can't get it, so you want it probably mostly because of that fact. not a fun place to be, seems like never never-ending chase you volunteered to take part in, and you can't even remember why, but you keep running 

Is my life like a trial? Am I constantly being checked on how much I can take? Is it like an obstacle race, wanting me so badly to fail,  checking how long until I give up?

When all is said and done

Could you really love anybody else?

Do you think about me when you're by yourself?

If this was really what you want

Why you're sitting staring at the floor?

Won't you break the silence now, what you're waiting for?

If you don't know by now

How much you love me

As deep as the ocean or as shallow as the tide

If you don't know by now

How much you want me

As constant as the heavens or as fleeting as the night

If you don't hear a sound when my heart's crying out

If you don't know by now I guess you'll never know

How long have I denied

Calling every worry about to fly

Maybe it was easier to close my eyes

Or maybe I'm a fool

For putting all my faith in you

'Cause somewhere in the darkest night there's a hidden truth

no sigue modas

 Enfadada con todo en la vida

No valora que el tiempo decida

Si la miran, se mira y pierde

El sentido, la salida

Exhausta de evasivas

Cansada de mentiras

No quiere bailar más

Princesa de mis sueños se ve tan mona

Dime quien te hizo daño pá verte tan sola

Quien te hizo utilizar y robarte toda

Corazón inocente, retoma la hora

emotions dump

I know now that my assumptions create the world around me, but somehow things still haven’t gotten much better. I expected that once I understood this, it would be easy from then on, but struggles still come. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to fully purify my mind yet.

So much has been going on recently that I don’t have the energy to write about it. Living alone can be lonely at times. I’ve been giving all my energy to music—it helps when it’s directed into something.

It would also be nice to have a home. I hope it’s closer than I think, and that I can finally take a deep breath, once and for all.

The daily struggle is what drains me. By the end of the day, I’m usually so tired that all I want is to sleep—and sleep is the best relief.

Where is life going to take me from here? What will I be writing here in a few years?

ps. Thank you for still being in my life.

If only there was somone I could talk to now

 I would tell them how I feel, and it would feel good, knowing that there is someone who likes to listen to me.

but there is only myself, and I'm tired of me

Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Burning in a hopeless dream
Hold me when you go to sleep
Keep me in the warmth of your love
When you depart, keep me safe
Safe and sound

Lift me up
Hold me down
Keep me close
Safe and sound

Drowning in an endless sea
Take some time and stay with me
Keep me in the strength of your arms
Keep me safe
Safe and sound

somebody else

the thought of you being with somebody else 
makes me physically ill, each time it passes my mind even for a fraction of a second

I thought I knew all sorts of feelings before 

but I didn't know that one

is like I would collect all world pain in that millisecond inside myself, and it would make me throw up just trying to bear it 

like my body rejects its heaviness and wanna get it out

but it won't leave

No matter how hard I try it won't leave me 

that helplessness that is 10000% out of my control, and I can only let it be and observe

That's the worst feeling I have ever experienced 

I don't think I felt that way even when my grandma died and it was SAD

it's so much beyond that 

and even it comes for that second, when I just let my mind free and stop trying to control every thought I have - It devastates me to the ground

its like everything I was doing before for ages to feel that 5% better, was like a drop in a huge fire and it was swept away or evaporated in a sec 

each time I get up, I say to myself, I'm gonna build it up again, I'm strong, but does it make sense?

I'm questioning myself

Why would I do it?

Isn't it easier to give up sometimes

sates

I've been thinking a lot recently (not that is something new to me)
I do sometimes other stuff like playing the guitar and desperately trying to be good at it, to the point that metronome became my best friend...

Anyway I was thinking about change

change is so hard to do, I like to debate what would I do if, and how would I feel if, but then I do nothing to be or feel that way now. I always rely on outside circumstances 

it's so much easier to watch YT video and think you DID something to change

while you just distracted yourself from DOING

when you listen to 100s of people saying yes of course you can do it, but all you do is watch

when all that knowledge would help

I was always a little of an idealist, I liked talking for hours about all the possibilities

while there are people who hear something once and just try it

100 times until they succeed

I GENUINELY want to be that person who, instead of thinking, is doing 

and endlessly trying till success

I have so much more to share, but maybe later on, I will do