sometimes best way to win is to lose

I had a realisation that sometimes you need to lose in order to win. 
That giving up can be the best thing you can do at times. 

Sometimes the world is trying to show you to change your path, and you are opposing it so much that it has to use the strongest and hardest way  to show you - that the road that you should take should be the opposite of what you are doing.

Then you stop and you reflect and you have the aha moment and you say to yourself:
How didn't I see it before?
Always when something I do not want happens, at the end it works somehow best for me, so I just step back now and wait for what is to come — but it has to be great.

On the other note:

    Almost no one believes in me and my abilities lol, but that's fine - I believe in me and I am my biggest cheerleader. The thing I never missed was motivation and I am so highly self motivated that I always achieved what I wanted somehow. Sometimes it took longer than expected, but I always was able to do it at the end.

    Teachers in my high school took me as stupid because I hated that fucking institution - after year one or two I just decided I'm not gonna go there. I was going to a bookstore  instead and reading books whenever I didn't feel like going to school. 

Anyways, even that I passed well physics exams, the teacher said he cannot give me a good mark just because he didn't believe I could do it without attending lessons lol so he lowered my end marks (sic!)

 Then they made me take a German exam (and I did hate languages so much, including Polish) I just hated the topic as I had no interest in it at all. So they did a summer extra exam for me just to not allow me to finish high school, and I failed. I didn't even bother to learn as I didn't want to learn German. (I finished HS anyways afterwards) At that point everyone thought I am just dumb and I would never learn a different language, and here I am speaking several. I just got an interest in Spanish and I decided to move to Spain where I just picked it up naturally - no lessons needed. Then I can speak Russian to some degree, and Romanian, and fairly good English. No school, no classes, no grammar - just me and my will to learn and talk to people.
    So coming back to the topic - I wanna apply for music uni here. I did not have previous education in music, so everyone assumes I won't learn or I am not good enough or whatever, but I know inside myself that my motivation is enough and will be. You can think I am crazy and judge me like the German teacher - "just a weird silly girl" - and I couldn't care less, because if I want something I'm gonna do it regardless of whether you believe in me or not :)
I just needed to vent on the topic as almost everyone says I cannot do it, but there is one person that believes in me or just won't tell me they don't, and thank you for that, as for most of my life it was just me believing in myself.

I was the first in my family to have a degree (and the only one), first to move abroad, first to speak a different language, first to do sport regularly (although my brother has some intrest in in on and off), first to be vegetarian, first to play an instrument and be into music. No one ever believed I can do any of those things and every single person I knew was discouraging me from even trying to pursue those things.
Luckily I never relied on anyone's approval.

I know myself, my value, and have exactly zero interest in proving anything to anyone different the myself :))

I always encourage everyone to purse their dreams, can that do any harm? Is there anything bad in having a dream and believing in it? Why do I have to be so realistic? What if the bigger you dream the chance to achieving it increase? Does not everything start from a thought and desire followed then by consistency to accomplish?

Maybe I was just born on a different planet haha but one thing you not gonna take from that blind trust in great future :D

znowu w zyciu mi nie wyszlo :D

 I'm free and it feels great!

I am feeling that the best part of my life is starting now so 🤞

I am going to have a remote job and travel🙏

Not sure what could make me happier, maybe a cat only? (Or very very good music)

food

 I do not feel hungry

AT ALL

I had periods in life like that 

but I just don't want to constantly go up and down with weight, and I am on the line of being too skinny 

I just cannot force food when I am not hungry

I try to drink as much food as I can but it's a torture 

😅

book

 I'm reading 

I always read in chunks, either i did load or nothing 

now is time i just READ hahah

now I cam across book addressing subconscious beliefs 

but from POV not digging in the past but actually how to approach them to change them

what is great bc I am against forever digging in the past as most psychologists suggest 

I am all about changing and learning in a way to improve and move forward and nor repeating same mistakes 

and I just discovered that what seems to always hunt me its actually my own fault hahaha

surprise surprise 

maybe its just time to own it 😂

thing we always tend to avoid 

but the author says even 3% fault is yours why not to adresss the 3% insted of  concentrating on 97% what it's not yours 

makes sense isn't it

but is so much easier to blame others life or stories 

january

 probably the month when I always post the most LOL

my anxiety is over the roof but somehow I managed to don't be bothered 😂😂 I just said to it "I know you are there 24/7 but what if I don't give a F"

its should settle soon as the problem was getting off my previous meds, so glad I did it as it was making my brain fog, and I was constantly hungry

finally feeling back myself but the anxiety 😂

but maybe two weeks more and it will sattle down

I'm listening recently to such life changing podcasts 

I also ordered a book so excited for it to come 💃🥳 soon

I wanna dedicate this year to self love and treat myself with all that I didn't recently 

I'm gonna be my own cheerleader! and I mean it, who gonna root for you if not yourself 

I also wanna dye my hair green and pink again I feel like is about to time to get some colour in life until the spring comes and brings it

I'm feeling somehow good even so anxious and I'm so happy about that, maybe I finally getting it more under control, last year I didn't have one panic attack attack even and I thought I made it while the start of the year was rough, but then I feel like had it reasons so I am excused, but the rest of that year is gonna be good I can feel it, maybe sometimes you need to take step backwards to ba able to take 3 forwards 🤞🏻

Back in the realm of living

After a never-ending flu, which I genuinely believed was going to kill me (I’ve never been this sick as an adult), I’m back in the realm of the living. I still have a bit of a cough, but wow — that was exhausting.

Physically and mentally draining. Not a good start to the year at all, but it’s over. I’m definitely feeling better today, and my mental capacity is almost back.

It feels so good not to feel unwell. I’m honestly just grateful that I can breathe normally again.

So far, nothing this year has gone according to plan or expectations. But now that I’m feeling better, I’m full of hope that the worst is behind me. It can be a great year — so keep your fingers crossed for me, because I can’t wait for spring and what it brings 🌱

and I'm glad you're back, it's a little highlight! 

I started reading a book which took over, even though it’s the weirdest thing I’ve read. It starts as a school adventure for about 100 chapters, but then suddenly turns into a sort of p-0-rn story with a big O, lol. I mean, the storyline is great, but that was so unexpected. It's about polygamous relationships of teenagers in a fantasy world, all is well justified, but still the fact that you just start liking the characters and then stop judging at all..  scares how much you can end up justifying hahah

but on the side note, I like fantasy stories in different worlds, it's a nice escape

https://novelbin.com/b/defy-the-alphas/chapter-1-special-skills

I am open to all good things arriving that year!

I had a lot of time to think recently, and as an overthinker, it's not a great place to be. I would rather be busy. thoughts:

- Life is unpredictable

- people are unpredictable

- I'm so predictable lol 

- things I'm running from are the ones that haunt me 

- things that I chase are those I never truly get

Should I change my approach and just start doing everything I can to NOT get what I want, then it will come as a golden rainfall? hahahah maybe that's the clue 

This year I wanna focus only focus on

GYM and GUITAR, 

and maybe being clever with savings, and having loads of fun, joy and sun 

also having loads of good human interactions, the quality once 

AND BTW I realised I crave DEEPNESS
nothing shallow is fulfilling me 

Deep conversations

Deep connections

Deep soul dive whatever it means :D

 

It shouldn't matter - mayer

Shouldn't matter, but it does

Shoulda been open

Shoulda done more

Shoulda learned a lesson from the year before

Shoulda been honest

Shoulda just cried

Shoulda told me there was nothing left inside

I'm being too open

 I'm being to open and positive and it's not working in my own good sometimes 

Can I change?

Should I change?

I need to be able to breathe

My head's under water

But I'm not breathing fine

I just need a moment of peace a movement where I can breathe 

I'm not asking for much, but I'm not getting it from quite some time

I'm so tired of constantly being my own hero, I wouldn't mind some sort of help from time to time

Please 2026 treat me better, as I am exausted!

😂😂😅