that funny feeling / I will be "post-y" I guess

thats so bittersweet

but I'm trying to approach it with thinking 

RELAX 

first of all life often dealing with situations better the we imagined and than we thought all could go

maybe better is not to force your own solutions sometimes

2ed me over-stressing always was ruining all

I always was over thinking things and I was ending up not enjoying bc I was simply stressed 

Life goes anyway own way why would you always in advance process all possible outputs

Its not easy but for once I try to get it right as it can be without overwhelming myself

I'm just curious what I'm gonna think reading it in two years. What I'm gonna think What I'm gonna feel 

before the spring comes

I came to conclusion

one of the most realising powerful feelings 
is being able to share

being heard

and

being understood

.

80%

I feel nice afternoons with summer air are coming

sooooooon

_______________________________

straight and clear
I like to have it like that

unknown is stressing me

how to loose the need of knowing

just be ready for what comes whatever it will be

anyone knows?

what do I really want?

what do you really want?

anyone knows what they want?

why is it so hard to figure out?

I had a such nice weekend

I had  generally such nice days recently

Really good once

Few in a row last months

Why do I feel down then? Is its spring coming?

Is it ever enough? Can't I be happy from what I am getting?

I'm kinda surprised how well life treated me recently

How nice inspiring people I've got around 

Yet I feel like something is missing/not 100

What's wrong with me tbh?

Maybe its the shitty food I sometimes eat

Maybe, bc I stoped to go to the gym recently

I'm kinda anxious about things

I need peace of mind

There are few unknown/ unfigured out things and it drags me lower

But tbh, almost no one  ever have it clear in life

I was treated recently with:

*apple x2 

*35mm

*proper dose of fun

*package from my mum

*few peaceful chilling days

*nice people around 

what am I looking forward:

*this course

*that days

*wholefoods bowls

*35mm photos of humans

*understanding more

*chilling more :D

*easy editing

*finding ways of being more confident

*appointing for course in the autumn

*meeting new people

*discovering more ways of being happy

*being honest with myself

*deciding what do I want

"We could be weightless

Like birds in the night 

Wherever we go 

Set thе world on fire 

We'll be in thе darkness 

Breaking across the sky"

ps

things I was worried a year ago doesn't meter anymore

so probably what I worry now in year time won't meter tooo

shouldn't it be relasing

where do we go

Maybe it's being self pity, but the best times to be writing 

are there when  feel a bit weak

self-pitiness is the easiest thing to do I guess 

am I self-pity?

I need you, and I think that's my biggest weakness

I hate needing something, and not being able to be self sufficient

I hate finding myself in situation being depend on something or someone

Thinks are less way disappointing when they is included only "me"

I guess only I know what I'm talking about but that's actually the goal

She told me am not able to set boundaries if it about people I care. That I should start to ask for the things in exchange. That's what it's all about. I mean how. How it can be as simple as exchange. No exchange, no interaction.  I don't even know what should I be  asking for.

What should I be asking for?

What do I need in this exchanges?

I liked to thing I need nothing.

(I won't be commenting about the WAR, because its just to terrifying where it can lead us.  But we defo shouldn't be silent. They should  be loud. Silence is consent)

 

Help, I lost myself again, but I remember you

wind of change

 im feeling

that whatever I do , all will be only fucking temporary. 

Like everything in my life, that's just temporary periods. 

It has good parts but  I feel like I never make enough to use the day. 

It is literally not enough ever, by the end of the day i feel like i should have done more because it will never come back again.  

The chances I'm getting I always feel it’s or it or nothing, now or never. 

People I'm meeting - I need to do with them as much as I can now, because tomorrow they might be gone and I won't have that chance anymore. 

The places I see I feel like I have to look at them as much as I can because I may be seeing them for the last time in my life. 

I feel like the only time I have is today. 

Like there is no tomorrow so I should do all my best in all aspects today. now. 

I don't know what made me think like that on that scale.  

Maybe because literally no one I had in my life from the past is now close to me. 

Like it was always so temporary and not enough. 

Like I didn't appreciate that enough in the past so now I'm just trying not to repeat.  

At the same time as I desperately seek stability  but I also need change often, like I will never have enough.

How can you feel these two things at the same time?  

If you are still considering moving somewhere then be aware of what it comes with as a package.  

Any chance of  even little change just now, freaks me out. 

Like my body requires some stability. 

But on the other hand I often  seek for change. Often think of change

Am I mad?

It is so difficult to maintain friends while traveling.

So easy to be sceptical and closed.

Why would you put effort in something what won't last

But I'm the one who always trying

Is it worth it?

I try to make the place I live my home, even its for a while

But also that temporality make me anxious

BTW Spring is coming

wind smells so good

it will smell even better if we wasn't just at the door of war in europe..

(A lato było piękne tego roku).

I cannot wait spring and summer 

Just to look at the clear sky 

Walking in Richmond and smell the grass

sometimes.

sometimes you hurt someone
sometimes someone hurts you
sometimes it happens at the same time

is it disappointing of life?

omg

 chilling down

that's the art I'm not good with

I'm deep

I'm sensitive

I'm not chilled down

I guess

I wish I could be

. 

 

ciągle goniła wiatr || Tomorrow never comes it is always today

am I chasing the wind forever? 

maybe

maybe I'm one of those people who never puts roots into the place

I'm always thinking of how the moment is temporary and fragile

I've been in so many places, and then what was there, stayed there, but me I moved

things always coming to an end

the relations becoming less intense

admiration for places becomes less intense

this make me want to enjoy and appreciate the moment, the present

You never really know what tomorrow will bring

 It might not come 

The chances might no repeat 

It will be always some new things waiting for you but nothing's happening twice

It's at the same time puts weight on day of today 

You wanna celebrate it and use it to maximum

Take the chance each day is giving

You don't want  to ever feel like you wasted it

Thinking of wasting time makes me anxious

but it don't take me wrong, I'm not talking about productivity, but about the feeling of joy, of how we used the time

it could be all evening of staying on the sofa and listening to music, but if, it was what made this day good, it was worth it

I just don't like the feeling that I'm doing something I don't really want, what doesn't seem to add value to my life in any way

I guess I'm also afraid of stagnation

'Lubiła tańczyć, pełna radości tak, ciągle goniła wiatr,
Spragniona życia- wciąż, zawsze gubiła coś, nie chciała nic,
Nie rozumiałem, kiedy mówiła mi: 

"Dzisiaj ostatni raz zatańczmy proszę tak, jak gdyby umarł czas." 

Mówiła mi..
Mieliśmy wiecznie trwać,
Na jednej z dzikich plaż,
Chciałem ze wszystkich sił,
Pozostać z Tobą tam'

one step forwards

 one step forwards

two steps backwards

as ususal

looped

2022: "So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that...."

please be easy

please solve things

give answers 

is it a lot I'm asking? 

. 

puzzeld

let's call it word of the year

too much to process 

how long will it last

until I will unpuzzle myself

numbers are also getting into my head.

different kinds 

all of them stressing me 

how do I free myself?

.

Am I changing? What it takes to big change of perspectives?

Snow ball of events, where does it stop now

sometimes I feel like I don't know what's good or what's bad anymore

who sets that

thoughts

1. Collect moments worth remembering!

While you can shout: Please the moment live forever.

is there anything more we living for?

I'm on search of good once.

Its just not easy to find hah

had a lot thought wanted to write it down but I'm so sleepy so maybe another day

I should have a few free evenings to write

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

someone help me to organize my mind and thoughts  pls!

how do that?

can't always rely on my own judgments I guess..

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

another note from phone:

What's my fav song?

What's my dream for now?

What I'm fascinated about theses days?

Where my mum comes form?

Why I don't like tomatoes?

What was I studying?

Why did I move to Spain?

What I'm stressed about?

What do I want from life?

Do you know any of these?

What If I know all your answers to this questions and you know mine?

What if don't?

What will it mean?

2 pic from museum of sicence

some old note from telephone:

reasonable choices that's what comes difficult
especially to me
life also treats me as caleidoscop
all kind of emotions at once




I miss a good "nights out"
Or I have changed, became to old, or just didn't meet the right ppl
all seems so boring and predictable
am I a boring person?
not putting enough effort to listen the boring one's?
There is so many ppl that I have literally no interest to exchange even 5 sentences
just bored to death
exist only few with who I truly desire to talk
rest is like just to keep it up

1975 heart out || 'PRETTY' much it

sometimes words can hurt
very deeply
but
I wanna say to life
go on! I have no idea what you hold for me, so I won't complain
whatever, I already lived trough so much
so finally the good things have to come
why anything should still have power to put me sad
I would rather say I'm waiting what tomorrow holds
but It might not come so
meantime better let's make best of today!

words can cut as deep as sword 

unexpected once
sometimes 
but faster you get over it better for you
not surprisingly the humans who are important to you, can hurt you most
do I hurt people?
they sometimes hurt me
do I also hurt them? same exact ways?

I need a friend to talk it all trough

where are you?

.

I promise to you Tomorrow, I will try to make best of it

~~~~~~~~~~~

there are things I cannot overcome

not by myself

how do I process it in my head?

You got something to say? 

Why don't you speak it out loud, 

instead of living in your head? It's always the same.

please. anything. but not pretty

do I wanna know

 this kind a comes in the waves
few things went good
5 others bad

but kinda have to put it in order in my head again 
do I actually care what people say
do I actually consider their opinion important
who are they
why should it meter
if its about me - it doesn't really
who metters 
who doesn't 
what metters 
what doesn't 
what I care about 
and what I don't 
what's that I truly want
what's I don't care at all
am I honest with myself 
am I lying to myself
am I brave 
or am I hiding 
am I facing things
or am I avoiding it? 

do I live today, or I try to live in the future or past? 
what are the things that acctualy depends on me
what are the things I can't influence or change
if I choose to worry about those 
do I choose to be happy or sad
do I choose to live or just pass days by

Cause now I'm in it

Somewhere in the void
I think if I was to write a book I should give it -that title
My life is like always rising questions with no answers
Continuously more questions less answers

in direct proportion to the passing time😅😂😂😂

I manged to have some routines

good routines

also I did managed to be more confused

I always knew what I want

Now even that seems diluted

I'm happy that I've got recently bit of fun

Just not thinking about anything its so releasing

sometimes

I'm kinda happy in the ways I wasn't before but also less happy in others

I guess life wanna keep it in balance? 

I'm also excited for the future 

It is always surprising me

art of disposable

rise a glass!

 OMG

feeling understood to some degree is something

I didn't expect to feel that way, either ever or not to often

the moments where you actually have that feeling, even it's for a moment

especially in my case, should be celebrated

I'm very specific person with very rare life experiences

It's like explaining what build up my point of view to someone most of the times feels like time waste, form the beginning

but for those ones to who is worth explaining something

thank you that you exist!

it makes life much more pleasant

a little bit of everything

 

hate sneaky ppl

that's the one type I can't tolarate

I really can stand a lot, diffrent characters, point of view, behaviours

but sneaky once can't stand and can't tolerate

you won't rise pulling down others, just by lifting others up

but just the fact that you are trying, shows how small and dumb human beeing you are, and show that you've got nothing to offer so have to pull down other in order to try to stand out

nice try but should know won't work for long term sorry

better concentrate to work on your skill, and character it will profit way more

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like I would have 3 different lives or even 4

Each place Ive moved in I had a different situation friends live stage

I feel like I was a different person quite few times

each time I travel back them I just remember who I am from the start

and kinda don't know which one of my versions it the correct one.

where is more home?

where do I wanna stay?

what do I want?

who and where my true friend are?

where do I feel better?

but there is no correct answer

bacause in each of the pieces is a bit of what I like and what I don't

but it drives me crazy thinking on it

I bet no-one who wasn't moving that many times would understand 

eh

 I'm feeling so out of place af

couldn't feel more out of place then now. 

just can't feel it no matter what

it's not my pair of shoes

out of sudden

 out of sudden

I don't know what changed 

but it changed

I start to feel like it's time to move

that I've been here so long

too long

longer then expected

something helped me to  see it from different perspective

maybe it was a 'purple rain'

or 'sex on the beach'

or 'vodka lime soda'

I don't know

but I got that overwhelming feeling

that I need a change

I can't say when the right time will come

but a decision was made

it might take a 2 months a half o year 

I don't know yet

but I feel like my decisions are cleared

London - it was fun so far!

but none of  fun last long

I'm made of changes 

and it called me this Saturday

it was a tiny little voice inside of my head but 

but when I woke up 

It didn't go away

It didn't go away even the next day

It's still here

I believe in big goals and big proposes

and I wanna be surrounded by it

I need my surroundings to be shouting out loud that you can do better

never to pull me down

I can't be making steps backwards

or just standing and waiting

I believe in actions

I want from what surrounds me to be driven by same believes

moments like that are not easy 

but are helping to make a difficult steps 

hope its a beginning or motivation

 

25 >> 35 akwardness

If I didn't learn at this age to keep things for myself 
probably I ever won't

boundless honesty is not always best

and not always benefits you

but I'm still believing it will

I wanna believe that world will be better if people will practice frankness

I might be totally wrong

Might be I die as idealist 

Maybe I've got issues with my head

but who doesn't

I feel  slightly like that day with a bad trip,

just it's real life 

It's on my own request

yuhuuu!

But still

I'm sorry If my words cause harm

I really can't clear my reasons

If I dig it dipper, Do I say things just for my own interest or is it unselfish?

What am I aiming to achieve?

Is it supposed to remove some of a guilt I feel?

BTW

Yesterday  was a veryyyy nice day. 

Not many like that I'm getting recently

It's going to collection of the good once

 

I'm thinking about detaching from things

How could I achieve it

In my case It will be hard to get there

I'm tired I will go to sleep

BTW II

It is not easy to meet people who are kind of your kindred spirits

It happens for me very rarely

I would say extremely rarely

and on the top of it

I trust literally no one

.

And I just add one thought about appreciation

I feel like we as humans tend to not appreciated enough thing and other humans

It's like art of appreciation

If you think of all good things what happening to you, as a little gifts

Nice human beings you meet as an opportunity to appreciate life itself

When you analyse it, through life you experience so many things, but not many of them are just pure and good, and often lasting too short

If we just learn to catch that things and moments and appreciate it then when it's happening, we won't ever regret not valuing it enough. 

Just appreciate thing at the moment while it's it time

Take a moment to listen to your favourite song 

Stop and watch the sunset even you are late 

Stop in train station and listen someone playing piano

Next train will come anyway

Smile back to people who give you smile, whoever they are

Say something nice to someone who was helpful or kind

Tell your friends why you like them

Have a coffee by yourself watching the rush of the city

Appreciate the day when you boss don't throw all shit on you, even he had a reason

If we would search more reason to appreciate the life will be more pleasant to go through

I decided to practice appreciation  in my life 

It's not easy but I decided I will work on it

I would like to be rather "dressing plaster" than, the one who complains and cause a scars

Nothing ever happens twice

So  make sure that one time will be enough

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone tried to show me that when I was 16, dedicating this lyric.

I needed many years to come to understand it

Wisława Szymborska

(and quite accurate translation)

Twice nothing happens

and nothing ever will

Therefore we were born unfeathered

and such shall die still

Should we be like dumb students

dumbest in their class

Not a day must we correct

no one will ever fail us

No night will be the same

No day can happen twice

No kiss is like previous

No look in the eyes

Yesterday, when somebody said

out loud, next to me, your name

I felt inside as if a rose

through open window came

Today, as we are here together

I turned my face towards the wall

Rose? What does it look like?

A flower more, or a stone?

Why do you, the dark hour,

mix with unneeded scare?

You are – so you will be gone

smile comes after nightmare

Smiling, embracing,

for accord we search

Yet unlike water drops

we can never merge.

Wisława Szymborska – Nic dwa razy

Nic dwa razy

Nic dwa razy się nie zdarza

i nie zdarzy. Z tej przyczyny

zrodziliśmy się bez wprawy

i pomrzemy bez rutyny.

Choćbyśmy uczniami byli

najtępszymi w szkole świata,

nie będziemy repetować

żadnej zimy ani lata.

Żaden dzień się nie powtórzy,

nie ma dwóch podobnych nocy,

dwóch tych samych pocałunków,

dwóch jednakich spojrzeń w oczy.

Wczoraj, kiedy twoje imię

ktoś wymówił przy mnie głośno,

tak mi było, jakby róża

przez otwarte wpadła okno.

Dziś, kiedy jesteśmy razem,

odwróciłam twarz ku ścianie.

Róża? Jak wygląda róża?

Czy to kwiat? A może kamień?

Czemu ty się, zła godzino,

z niepotrzebnym mieszasz lękiem?

Jesteś - a więc musisz minąć.

Miniesz - a więc to jest piękne.

Uśmiechnięci, współobjęci

spróbujemy szukać zgody,

choć różnimy się od siebie

jak dwie krople czystej wody.

żygam

doesn't matter what is happening you should shut your eyes and pretend that things are perfect

is that what you want from me?

is that what you expect?

to all of the f*** life pretend something?

am I allowed sometimes to not to?

why is it better to be perfect and fake then unperfect and real?

I'm vomiting with this perfection

I feel like so many people expect things from me,

I can't fulfil it, and I don't even want to

Is like the things was set for me before I got to decide

And decisions are never mine

because everyone got something to say

and even I wouldn't care, eventually I will care

and no one even knows ever about what I'm talking

because that knowledge isn't common

its like a trap you live in, but you consciously deciding to not leave it, because its your trap

you know all the hazards, know to avoid, so you stay in

but leaving the trap will be same f*** as staying in

one foot wrong

once

in

no way out

is it that simple?

ps.

IT'S NOT A DEPRESSION

just the sides of live you might not know 

its just black or white 

good or bad

yes or no

crowd or silence

six feet under

Would roses bloom?

 

You know it, oh, we both know it

what should I write
things happening

out of no where
like always in live unpredictable and

sometimes its easier to deal with it
sometimes harder
sometimes you can't deal with it
sometimes I think I'm going mad :D

that's all what I can say

let's see what turn will life take

You’ve mistaken the stars reflected on the surface of the lake at night for the heavens.

Andrzej Sapkowski, Blood of Elves (The Witcher, #1)

Billie Eilish - Six Feet Under

F***ING PERFECT

[down more happy thoughts]

 soooooooo

soooooooooooooo

I'tired of being expected to be perfect

I never was and never will be

but just growing up in the society that expects you to be shining as a sample on the storefront 

is exhausting

I don't even want to be that perfect 

nothing is that perfect and closing eyes and repeating that is otherwise won't change anything

you are not that f**** perfect yourself 

why do you expect others to be 

why does it makes you uncomfortable facing imperfection

what you wanna just close your eyes and ears and pretend that if you won't  be looking at it, it won't exist

just look in the eyes 

say it in the face

confront it

I'm a human being 

not an exhibit in the museum

 to be looked at and discussed

reviewed and judged

"she might need more time"

"she is making progress slowly"

"she stands out a little"

"some people might need more time the the others..."

am I needing more time to be as everyone else?

to be as even more hypocritical than I am at the moment?

why we always need to try to change others? Why don't we accept them and try instead to work on ourselves if we believe we need to do so?

what if biggest motivation to changes it your example, not your theoretical- judgy tone of voice?

I've said it once already. I hate that fake dictated, almost forced kindness. I value more unkindness when honest then pretended kindness.

There is nothing worst then fake kindness.

When someone is just so kind until the limits just to show how wonderful person he is, so others can praise him.

nothing annoys me more then fake pretended kindness

is the something to do to don't take part in this  spectacle

to just stop being part of it

the show must go on

Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile, still, stays on

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

from positives
it started to go a bit smoother
I'm enjoying the way of achieving my gaols
it might take some time
but this time I'm committed to enjoy the way
as much as possible
because finally the life in not much more then the way

I am happy

honestly and truly happy

in tiny room, in the middle of  one of maddest cities in the world

working a lot, not having much time off

but with happy state of mind

I just try to take bit of enjoyment for each day

from simple things

a morning sport 

a good coffee

a nice conversations with people

music ( I didn't listen to music for so long, I'm trying too enjoy it again) 

I enjoy the days when I'm not having a headache

a fresh air 

a smell of the rain

wearing jackets

sleeping deep with no nightmare - finally (at least not that often)

felling more free

not knowing anyone gives that space of  allowing you to be who you wanna be more often instead of what expected of you

just not planning much

just living the days day by day with no deeper expectation

I try to expect as less as possible form anything 

to be more often positively surprised

I'm enjoying watching the nature and the views

I'm so grateful that I could travel a bit

that I'm improving my language day by day 

I didn't feel like that for many years

I hope it last at least a bit 

hopefully just a bit longer 

:))))))))))