angry

I cannot recall situation in my life when I actually felt very angry

I normally feel sad or happy, disappointed or satisfied, powerless or hopeful

But I managed to so far to don't feel angry, or for sure not to that degree

Recently I managed to feel very strong anger. I don't know how to deal with it.

It's not that kind of anger that you shout, or hit something or be aggressive.

It's like passive anger, what eats you inside. I feel like my body its about to explode from it of burn. I can't stop it neither control. And there is no one specific reason I'm feeling it. Each factor causing it its not only adding to it. It feels more like each next thing is multiplying the once from before. 

Like a snowball what builds up at the start slowly, but then takes speed and volume, faster and faster. 

I don't know where it came from. Maybe I never allowed myself to be angry.

I could be upset, nervous but it never filled me that way.

idk

 maybe its autumn

yeah I bet its why

😬

 Im feeling soooooo

sooooooooooo

sooooooooooooooo

old

monotony in fun

I took this year at least 10 flights
Another 6 coming
I always wanted to be traveler
I'm not quite sure about it anymore
I hate airports
Long waits
Delayed and canceled flights
I also hate lack of routines
I hate a security checks (always going through the longest check as they assuming I look as a convict or drug diler)

I hate that water cost fortune at the airport and to get there takes longer than actual flight

I hate that in the summer everything is overcrowded

Romania, Poland, Romania, Spain, Greece, Asia, Romania, Poland?

Meantime I also maned few travels with rail (Oxford, Cambridge, Cardiff,.)

Long roundtrip in Poland ( Lodz-Warsaw-Krakow-Zakopane-Auschwitz-Wieliczka-Lodz-Warsaw)

I moved a flat also, after covid it was busiest time

As much as I like to active it was bit to much for 6 months

I also processed lots mentally

I would post some photos but need to do selection first

I feel happy, but I also feel confused af

I didn't edit even I filmed lots

somebody else.

 Dzisiaj myślę o 

Tobie 

To chyba przez …… .

Nieraz jakieś dziwne myśli mnie nachodzą

Tęsknię za tymi czasami z tobą

Beztroskimi, bo każdy dopiero zaczynał życie

Teraz już tak nie jest

Już tak nie ma

Tęsknię za tym 

Miałam wtedy nadzieje na lepsza przyszłość

Energię, idee, wielkie cele

Teraz jakoś świat się prezentuje inaczej 

Nic nie jest proste

Jakoś wszystko mniej cieszy, jednak

Wiadomo ze czasu mniej, więc jakoś rozsądnie trzeba  z niego korzystać

Tak mi brakuje tej beztroski

Dyskusji o niczym i o wszystkim 

Planowania przyszłości vs przezywania jej

z ta mlodziencza naiwnoscia

Nieraz sobie czytam to co mam w archiwum.

Sporadycznie ale sie zdarza.

Już nie rozmawiamy.

A ja mam tyle do opowiedzenia.

Ciekawi mnie, jak tak naprawdę  się czujesz

Czy czasem masz takie zastanowienia jak ja

Co rozważasz? tak na codzień, w głowie.

Co w życiu Ci wyszło? a co raczej średnio?

Czy masz fajnych ludzi wokół siebie? czy tak jak ja - raczej mało?

Czy spełniasz jakieś z własnych marzeń i celów?

O czym czytasz?

I komu to opowiadasz

Co się zmieniło w twoim podejściu/ poglądach

U mnie tak duzo sie zmienilo. Tesknie za swoja "glowa" z przeszlosci, 

wszystko wydawalo sie latwe.

pozniej juz nigdy takie nie bylo.

Pewnie o tym nie pogadamy.

A ja, naprawdę, jestem bardzo ciekawa

1975

cinematographyyyyyyy

 I'm taking little steps forwards it
and it makees me happyy

otherwise I'm confused AF

I don't know what to do and how

 

I'm sooo sorry to all friends and people who I didn't answer for ages 

(if I did text you back you're lucky)

Its so much going on that I can't concentrate on any answers to anyone

I feel bad but just can't manage to text back

Life absorbing me totally

I feel like my hours just shrieked

and nothing fits in anymore

plains airports parties doesn't help

I did no edit YT even I've got  loaaats of good recordings

I did not go to the gym

No anything out of my tight schedule

Moving soon I hope it will help to go trough winter and THE course easier having time and space to learn

holidays to come also looking forwards it

i've got so much going on my head and no time to type anything

so I just do that shortcut

to later remember why I wasn't writing

naw fav 2

 

my new fav food

(thai curry)

my new few spot

my new fav days

my life is funny

instead of getting more organised it goes towards total chaos

let's see how can I deal with it

there is few events I'm looking forward to

summer should be nice and then I start new adventure with film 

fingers crossed to it go well

I would love to have someone clever next to me to give me advices 

but I don't 

:D

new fav

my new fav quote

“I don't care what you think about me. I don't think about you at all.”

all what I need to have in my head for now :D

the otherside

 I will start this post now in hope I gonna finish it later, but today morning its the moment I should post it

I did it in the name of what I don't know

But it took some part of weight from me
It also added some weight 

What's next?

I also need a normal holidays 
I deeply understood that you are alone in this world
You shouldn't be placing hope in anyway in other people bc it's gonna be only huge disappointment 

so
be the hero of your own story 

But at the same time I'm a human and I've got feelings
And that's very disappointing when you realise that there in no one who truly cares about

or almost no one

and the people who you would like them to care, they won't care

 an to see people you care going wrong way

not being able to mange their own shit so they struggle

but i can't bear the world on my arms

I'm barely handling my own things

I'll have for more migraines and a neck pain, few days will be more sad, and then I will be back to be in my rhythm, the cog in the machine of life again

There is no place where I would like to be right now. 

There is nowhere I would say I wanna be there

why did I start travel in the first place, could my life go different way and I would like it? Or I am meant to be the crazy spirit, always searching for 'the place'

swing

is my live a swing?

always?

up-down-up

how much swingy it  can get?

where do the extremes will get me?

.Heeeeelp, I lost myself again

But I remember youd

that funny feeling / I will be "post-y" I guess

thats so bittersweet

but I'm trying to approach it with thinking 

RELAX 

first of all life often dealing with situations better the we imagined and than we thought all could go

maybe better is not to force your own solutions sometimes

2ed me over-stressing always was ruining all

I always was over thinking things and I was ending up not enjoying bc I was simply stressed 

Life goes anyway own way why would you always in advance process all possible outputs

Its not easy but for once I try to get it right as it can be without overwhelming myself

I'm just curious what I'm gonna think reading it in two years. What I'm gonna think What I'm gonna feel 

before the spring comes

I came to conclusion

one of the most realising powerful feelings 
is being able to share

being heard

and

being understood

.

80%

I feel nice afternoons with summer air are coming

sooooooon

_______________________________

straight and clear
I like to have it like that

unknown is stressing me

how to loose the need of knowing

just be ready for what comes whatever it will be

anyone knows?

what do I really want?

what do you really want?

anyone knows what they want?

why is it so hard to figure out?

I had a such nice weekend

I had  generally such nice days recently

Really good once

Few in a row last months

Why do I feel down then? Is its spring coming?

Is it ever enough? Can't I be happy from what I am getting?

I'm kinda surprised how well life treated me recently

How nice inspiring people I've got around 

Yet I feel like something is missing/not 100

What's wrong with me tbh?

Maybe its the shitty food I sometimes eat

Maybe, bc I stoped to go to the gym recently

I'm kinda anxious about things

I need peace of mind

There are few unknown/ unfigured out things and it drags me lower

But tbh, almost no one  ever have it clear in life

I was treated recently with:

*apple x2 

*35mm

*proper dose of fun

*package from my mum

*few peaceful chilling days

*nice people around 

what am I looking forward:

*this course

*that days

*wholefoods bowls

*35mm photos of humans

*understanding more

*chilling more :D

*easy editing

*finding ways of being more confident

*appointing for course in the autumn

*meeting new people

*discovering more ways of being happy

*being honest with myself

*deciding what do I want

"We could be weightless

Like birds in the night 

Wherever we go 

Set thе world on fire 

We'll be in thе darkness 

Breaking across the sky"

ps

things I was worried a year ago doesn't meter anymore

so probably what I worry now in year time won't meter tooo

shouldn't it be relasing

where do we go

Maybe it's being self pity, but the best times to be writing 

are there when  feel a bit weak

self-pitiness is the easiest thing to do I guess 

am I self-pity?

I need you, and I think that's my biggest weakness

I hate needing something, and not being able to be self sufficient

I hate finding myself in situation being depend on something or someone

Thinks are less way disappointing when they is included only "me"

I guess only I know what I'm talking about but that's actually the goal

She told me am not able to set boundaries if it about people I care. That I should start to ask for the things in exchange. That's what it's all about. I mean how. How it can be as simple as exchange. No exchange, no interaction.  I don't even know what should I be  asking for.

What should I be asking for?

What do I need in this exchanges?

I liked to thing I need nothing.

(I won't be commenting about the WAR, because its just to terrifying where it can lead us.  But we defo shouldn't be silent. They should  be loud. Silence is consent)

 

Help, I lost myself again, but I remember you

wind of change

 im feeling

that whatever I do , all will be only fucking temporary. 

Like everything in my life, that's just temporary periods. 

It has good parts but  I feel like I never make enough to use the day. 

It is literally not enough ever, by the end of the day i feel like i should have done more because it will never come back again.  

The chances I'm getting I always feel it’s or it or nothing, now or never. 

People I'm meeting - I need to do with them as much as I can now, because tomorrow they might be gone and I won't have that chance anymore. 

The places I see I feel like I have to look at them as much as I can because I may be seeing them for the last time in my life. 

I feel like the only time I have is today. 

Like there is no tomorrow so I should do all my best in all aspects today. now. 

I don't know what made me think like that on that scale.  

Maybe because literally no one I had in my life from the past is now close to me. 

Like it was always so temporary and not enough. 

Like I didn't appreciate that enough in the past so now I'm just trying not to repeat.  

At the same time as I desperately seek stability  but I also need change often, like I will never have enough.

How can you feel these two things at the same time?  

If you are still considering moving somewhere then be aware of what it comes with as a package.  

Any chance of  even little change just now, freaks me out. 

Like my body requires some stability. 

But on the other hand I often  seek for change. Often think of change

Am I mad?

It is so difficult to maintain friends while traveling.

So easy to be sceptical and closed.

Why would you put effort in something what won't last

But I'm the one who always trying

Is it worth it?

I try to make the place I live my home, even its for a while

But also that temporality make me anxious

BTW Spring is coming

wind smells so good

it will smell even better if we wasn't just at the door of war in europe..

(A lato było piękne tego roku).

I cannot wait spring and summer 

Just to look at the clear sky 

Walking in Richmond and smell the grass

sometimes.

sometimes you hurt someone
sometimes someone hurts you
sometimes it happens at the same time

is it disappointing of life?

omg

 chilling down

that's the art I'm not good with

I'm deep

I'm sensitive

I'm not chilled down

I guess

I wish I could be

. 

 

ciągle goniła wiatr || Tomorrow never comes it is always today

am I chasing the wind forever? 

maybe

maybe I'm one of those people who never puts roots into the place

I'm always thinking of how the moment is temporary and fragile

I've been in so many places, and then what was there, stayed there, but me I moved

things always coming to an end

the relations becoming less intense

admiration for places becomes less intense

this make me want to enjoy and appreciate the moment, the present

You never really know what tomorrow will bring

 It might not come 

The chances might no repeat 

It will be always some new things waiting for you but nothing's happening twice

It's at the same time puts weight on day of today 

You wanna celebrate it and use it to maximum

Take the chance each day is giving

You don't want  to ever feel like you wasted it

Thinking of wasting time makes me anxious

but it don't take me wrong, I'm not talking about productivity, but about the feeling of joy, of how we used the time

it could be all evening of staying on the sofa and listening to music, but if, it was what made this day good, it was worth it

I just don't like the feeling that I'm doing something I don't really want, what doesn't seem to add value to my life in any way

I guess I'm also afraid of stagnation

'Lubiła tańczyć, pełna radości tak, ciągle goniła wiatr,
Spragniona życia- wciąż, zawsze gubiła coś, nie chciała nic,
Nie rozumiałem, kiedy mówiła mi: 

"Dzisiaj ostatni raz zatańczmy proszę tak, jak gdyby umarł czas." 

Mówiła mi..
Mieliśmy wiecznie trwać,
Na jednej z dzikich plaż,
Chciałem ze wszystkich sił,
Pozostać z Tobą tam'

one step forwards

 one step forwards

two steps backwards

as ususal

looped

2022: "So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that...."

please be easy

please solve things

give answers 

is it a lot I'm asking? 

. 

puzzeld

let's call it word of the year

too much to process 

how long will it last

until I will unpuzzle myself

numbers are also getting into my head.

different kinds 

all of them stressing me 

how do I free myself?

.

Am I changing? What it takes to big change of perspectives?

Snow ball of events, where does it stop now

sometimes I feel like I don't know what's good or what's bad anymore

who sets that

thoughts

1. Collect moments worth remembering!

While you can shout: Please the moment live forever.

is there anything more we living for?

I'm on search of good once.

Its just not easy to find hah

had a lot thought wanted to write it down but I'm so sleepy so maybe another day

I should have a few free evenings to write

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

someone help me to organize my mind and thoughts  pls!

how do that?

can't always rely on my own judgments I guess..

¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬

another note from phone:

What's my fav song?

What's my dream for now?

What I'm fascinated about theses days?

Where my mum comes form?

Why I don't like tomatoes?

What was I studying?

Why did I move to Spain?

What I'm stressed about?

What do I want from life?

Do you know any of these?

What If I know all your answers to this questions and you know mine?

What if don't?

What will it mean?

2 pic from museum of sicence

some old note from telephone:

reasonable choices that's what comes difficult
especially to me
life also treats me as caleidoscop
all kind of emotions at once




I miss a good "nights out"
Or I have changed, became to old, or just didn't meet the right ppl
all seems so boring and predictable
am I a boring person?
not putting enough effort to listen the boring one's?
There is so many ppl that I have literally no interest to exchange even 5 sentences
just bored to death
exist only few with who I truly desire to talk
rest is like just to keep it up

1975 heart out || 'PRETTY' much it

sometimes words can hurt
very deeply
but
I wanna say to life
go on! I have no idea what you hold for me, so I won't complain
whatever, I already lived trough so much
so finally the good things have to come
why anything should still have power to put me sad
I would rather say I'm waiting what tomorrow holds
but It might not come so
meantime better let's make best of today!

words can cut as deep as sword 

unexpected once
sometimes 
but faster you get over it better for you
not surprisingly the humans who are important to you, can hurt you most
do I hurt people?
they sometimes hurt me
do I also hurt them? same exact ways?

I need a friend to talk it all trough

where are you?

.

I promise to you Tomorrow, I will try to make best of it

~~~~~~~~~~~

there are things I cannot overcome

not by myself

how do I process it in my head?

You got something to say? 

Why don't you speak it out loud, 

instead of living in your head? It's always the same.

please. anything. but not pretty

do I wanna know

 this kind a comes in the waves
few things went good
5 others bad

but kinda have to put it in order in my head again 
do I actually care what people say
do I actually consider their opinion important
who are they
why should it meter
if its about me - it doesn't really
who metters 
who doesn't 
what metters 
what doesn't 
what I care about 
and what I don't 
what's that I truly want
what's I don't care at all
am I honest with myself 
am I lying to myself
am I brave 
or am I hiding 
am I facing things
or am I avoiding it? 

do I live today, or I try to live in the future or past? 
what are the things that acctualy depends on me
what are the things I can't influence or change
if I choose to worry about those 
do I choose to be happy or sad
do I choose to live or just pass days by